0001. TOILET FLUSHING SHELVING UNIT

Shelving unit. Shelving unit. Shelving unit. Shelving unit. Shelving unit.

0002. SHE DOESN’T KNOW THAT SHE’S IN THE SONG

[Adlib.]

0003. CHERRY, ORANGE AND LIME

We made Jell-O. It had three layers, all in one bowl: cherry, orange and lime.

[Adlib.]

Step in the club, make the ladies say “Hello!” - I got the moves to break it down real mellow. Now, if you’re looking for a party, I’m your fellow, ’cause I rip the mic like Yo-Yo on the cello.

So shake your pants, make them jiggle like Jell-O. Yeah, shake it, baby, make it jiggle like Jell-O. They got red, orange and green, but no yellow. So shake your pants. So shake your pants, make them jiggle like Jell-O. Yeah, shake it, baby, make it jiggle like Jell-O. They got red, orange and green, but no yellow. So shake your pants, make them move.

[Adlib.]

0004. THE ZESTY REDHEAD

She gets so zesty, just to stress me out. How’d she get her hair to be so red? She gets so zesty, just to stress me out. How’d she get her hair to be so…her hair to be…she got her hair to be so red.

0005. TEE EL EH

OMG LOL BRB. OMG LOL ASR BRB. CAPS LOCK.

SHE’S SO FACETIOUS. SHE’S GOT ALL THE VOWELS IN ORDER. AND SHE REMINDS ME OF A TLA, YEAH.

0006. WITH SPOONS AND ABOUT SPOONS

[Adlib.]

0007. WE PHOTOCOPY OUR BODY PARTS

We photocopy our body parts. We may wish to focus on the photocopying of the buttocks. We photocopy our body parts at the office where we work. Our employer does not find this amusing.

0008. LITTLE EEEEE FOO FOO

[Adlib.]

Little —– Foo Foo, hopping through the —–, scooping up the field —–, and bopping them on the —–. Down came the good —– and she said, “Little —– Foo Foo, I don’t want to see you scooping up the field —– and bopping them on the —–. I’ll give you three —–, and if you don’t behave I’m a turn you into a —–.” Little —– Foo Foo, hopping through the —–, scooping up the field —–, and bopping them on the —–. Down came the good —– and she said, “I’m a kill you, Foo!”

0009. RENAME YOUR RABBIT

Woah, Poopie, don’t worry, you’ll get your lettuce tomorrow. Poopie, what’s the hurry? I know that you’re filled with sorrow, but it’s okay, you know, ’cause Sylvia loves you more than Joe.

0010. GRAHAM THE POLAR BEAR VS. HENRY THE UNICORN

[Adlib.]

Henry the unicorn was just over there, taking a walk, when he met Graham the polar bear. And it’s common fact, as you all should know, that unicorns and bears have fought since long ago. But yo, Henry worked out - he was fit - and Graham’s style was thinner than an 808 drum kit. Now what went down, you could hardly call a battle. It’s like Henry was the slaughterhouse to Graham’s cattle. Or it’s like, Henry was a magical unicorn, and he stabbed Graham with his horn. Peace.

And Henry the unicorn, he trotted along the road, he went back to his abode with Graham the bear impaled upon his horn.

0011. WE COME IN PEACE

Comrades, we come in peace, but we go to war.

I’m a little girl. I like to play with dolls. I put them in my easy-bake oven. When I grow up, I want to be a computer programmer, just like my mom. Let’s be friends.

0012. APPLESAUCE BALLAD OF THE PET TUBA

Applesauce.

Well, hi guys, I’m a tuba. I am shiny and gold. You can blow me.

0013. LIVE FREESTYLE SESSION ON A.M. RADIO WITH SUPERNATURAL, AUGUST 11, 1999 (EXCERPT)

[Adlib.]

0015. SARAH ANDERSON

Oh, it’s the Sarah Anderson song. Here we go now.

Oh, it’s the Sarah Anderson song. We’re gonna play this one for real long. You don’t think she’s fly? Then you’re wrong, and I say, “Man, it’s on.”

One: She rocks this song with the brass. Two: The brightest girl in her class. Three: She loves to dance on the grass, and she’s got one dynamite astrophysics degree from Harvard.

0016. BIG CHIEF BREADS WITH A NUGGET VS. MY LAME BODYBUILDER BOSS

[Adlib.]

Oon chaka. Oon chaka. Oh wah breadalo.

[Adlib.]

0017. BADGERS

[Adlib.]

0018. VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK

Ha ha. Vorsprung durch Technik. Vorsprung durch Technik. Sprechen sie deutsch?

0019. BONGOS LOOK LIKE CUPCAKES

Oh I play the bongos while I bake. Oh I bake while I play the bongos. Oh I make cupcakes while I play the bongos. Playing the bongos is how I make the cupcakes. I bake the cupcakes until they look like bongos. Then I know that they are ready, so I take them out, and I implement my expensive pink frosting 30 seconds into the song. Oh I bake while I play the bongos. Oh I play the bongos while I bake. Playing the bongos is how I make the cupcakes that I make while I am playing the bongos while I bake. My shoes are smelly. They smell like cupcakes, because instead of ovens I have shoes while I play the bongos while I bake. And 60 seconds into the song I put some sprinkles on the cupcakes, after I take the cupcakes out of the ovens. But instead of ovens I have shoes and bongos.

0021. CELTIC TECHNO BURRITO

Intimidated by the size of my burrito.

0022. VOWELTACULAR

A. E. Voweltacular!

0023. I AM BJORK

Oh oh. I am Bjork and I live an iceland (an arctic region slightly smaller than Kentucky with a total fertility rate of 1.98 children born per woman).

0026. A RAP SONG IN WHICH NONE OF THE LYRICS CONTAIN THE LETTER E

[Adlib.]

Yo. Without a topic I rock it. You just can’t knock it or box it. I will not quit or stop and lock lips. This is a rap song in which no lyrics contain that fifth capital. Brains and wits magical. I strain to rip madrigals plain to bits. Any occasion, I flip scripts - birthdays and kids’ trips, violin gigs and first day shindigs and thursdays. I win big with wordplay. I’m on top of it always. With or without that non-consonant I still bring it. Fans or not, my mom’s strong fond of it. And you wouldn’t know, but I just brought this jazz to it’s limit - that’s right, your total ABCs without that fifth is in it.

[Adlib.]

0027. STUDYING FOR CYBERCITIES BLUES

They tried to tell me it would be hard to take a social science on the Internet. But I said, “Hey man, the Internet’s my friend, and it’ll be a cold, cold day in Singapore before it do me any harm.”

They said the course load was hefty, and I said, “But you can do it right from your home.” They said, “Well, that may be the case, but you’re in for a big surprise if you think that makes it any easier, baby.”

So I checked my school email for the first time. I had 200 messages, all of them new. And six months later I’m still not used to it, and that’s why I got the studying for Cybercities blues.

Oh, I got the studying for Cybercities blues. The one and only studying for Cybercities blues, sing it with me now. The studying for Cybercities blues. Oh yeah, I said I got the studying for Cybercities blues.

0029. R <3′S B LONG 2 GETHER 4 EVER

I love you because you’re into zombies.

And I love you.

Why’s that?

‘Cause you know just how I take my coffee.

It was love at first sight when I saw the picture in your online dating profile. But we can’t share this love, because we live across the sea.

And I can’t afford any plane tickets.

[Adlib.] And I’m banned from international airlines.

0030. SKAMURAI

Ra-pa-pa-pa. Ra-pa-pa-pa. Oh yeah. There’s a samurai flying on the back of a giant eagle. An eagle. An eagle. An eagle. There’s a samurai flying on the back of a giant eagle. An eagle. An eagle. An eagle. There’s a samurai flying on the back of a giant eagle. An eagle. An eagle. An eagle. Oh, there’s a samurai flying on the back of a giant eagle. An eagle. An eagle. An eagle. Oh yeah.

0032. GEOMETRY IS THE NEW CALCULUS

George the geometery textbook was just sunbathing on a desk, when Olivia the overhead cieling fan fell and made a mess. But George put her back together ’cause he knew the angles at which she fit, and in return Olivia blew a breeze through the classroom that was so hot and sunlit.

They became inseperable, and they planned a vacation. But Olivia was electrical, and that meant that she was stationary, babe.

George visited his llama friend Lois, who knew all about electricity. She evaluated the situation, and built Olivia a solar-powered battery.

Now they could go anywhere they wished to. They could go all around the world. Power outlets were not an issue. George hit the beach with his beautiful girl. Alright! And then they had a family reuinion in Canada.

0033. THE TV TRILOGY

[Adlib.]

Oh, I like to watch those sit-coms. To me there’s really nothing else good on. Oh, I’m a packrat - got a laugh track in my backpack. Never got a better thing to do with my time. And it’s like that, ripping mics fast like it just ain’t no thang. South central!

I got skills on the mic and the fader, and when I play a tape, now, you know it ain’t beta. I bring this the sickest. So don’t be a hater, or I’m a take you down either now or later. Oh.

I watch the sit-coms on VHS and I watch the sit-coms on DVD.

0034. IT HAS A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI

Girl, don’t you know there’s only one last cookie in the cookie jar, and it has a certain je ne sais quoi? Je ne sais quoi.

Only one cookie. Only one cookie. Only one cookie. Only one cookie, yeah.

0035. IT WAS TOO HOT!

Ow, my mouth. The cheese was too hot. It was too hot. It burned the top of my mouth off. But sometimes, cheese can just be really really good.

0036. WE GOT TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Yo. Emcees all feel the heat when I step to the game with a Gameboy beat. So what you gonna do when I come through ripping the mic, living the life, and it’s all in the rhythm you like. But I can’t work without my website, when it’s shut down like I’m living in the Red Light. Gotta get my head right, gotta deliver the goods, but the code doesn’t work, even though I’m thinking it should. It’s all broken. Contact the hosting but they don’t know when all this went down. So I’m like, “Arthur, I can’t do this myself! I need your help, and I mean now!” He comes to the rescue to fix it, and I step out because I don’t wanna jinx it. And just moments after this began, I’m telling him thank you and shaking his hand.

Because it’s Arthur - the man with the plan. Arthur - always helps when he can. Arthur - with a knowledge of code that you all wouldn’t know even if you went to college. Arthur - the man with the plan. Arthur - always helps when he can. Arthur - with a knowledge of code that you all wouldn’t know even if you went to college. [Adlib.]

0038. DANI HUMAN DROPS THE NEEDLE

This is a melodica and this is a Warpspeak megaphone. This is a melodica and this is a Batman megaphone. This is a melodica and this is a Warpspeak megaphone. This is a melodica and this is a Batman megaphone.

0039. ALLITERATION

Abase the abbess and abbott in the abbey. I’ll be abdicating abdominal abdomen abductions abbedded in abhorrent abhorrences abjuring to abject and able-bodied abnormal abidances abominating abominable abominations with aboriginal aborigines and above-board abrasions. Abridging abraided abridgements by abrupt absent-minded absences of absolution. Absolving and absorbing absorptions, abstaining from abstinence and the abundant absurd abusive abyss. These academic academies accelerating to accept accessible access to accessories, acclaiming accomodating accomplished accomplices accosted on account of accordians accredited with accumulating accurate accuracy and accusing accusatory accusations. Aching acids acknowledge acknowledgements, acquisitions acquiescing to acquit acquittance with acrid actionable actuality and adamant actuaries adhering to addled adherences. Adjacent admissible administrators admonish admonition and adoration, adulterating advents. Adverse advisory advocacies advocating affable aerial aeronautics affecting affirmitive affiliations affixed to affluence and afterthoughts afoot in the agglomerated aggrivated aggression. Aghast with agile agitations and airy ailments akin to alabaster alacrity or albino alchemy in alcohol alcoves of alienated alien aliases and alleged allegories in alliances and allies alleviated.

0040. THE SECOND MONKEY ISLAND GAME WAS THE BEST

No question, the second Monkey Island game was the best. Can’t step to this, emcees get beheaded if they test. I’m in the hood, stuck, with no good luck, and these woodchucks - three with me eating cheese squigleys. Say what? I got songs you can dance to. Break it down now, Songs To Wear Pants To. Yo, I got songs you can dance to. Break it down now, Songs To Wear Pants To. Break it down with Monkey Island.

0041. TENINO

Now, first things first - I wanna clear this up. It’s called Tenino or Tenino, and if you pronounce it any other way, I will cut you.

Now, the phrase “Don’t take any wooden nickels” originated from Tenino Tenino, as wooden nickels were minted during the Great Depression. That’s why we’re called “Home of the wooden nickel.” So you might say, in Tenino Tenino, money does grow on trees.

Something else unique about Tenino Tenino is that there are many rivers and streams, some with salmon, and there are hills covered with trees, which are home to deer, elk, bears and wolves. And for those of you who don’t know, as I suspect there are many among us today who’ve never been to Tenino Tenino, those are various creations of Mother Nature. Animals and the like.

Now, way back, when I was probably about your age, there was a folk song written about Tenino Tenino, but it sucks.

0042. A BUG FELL IN LOVE WITH A CAT

A bug fell in love with a cat.

0043. I AM TUNA

I am tuna. I don’t know what prime time is.

0044. IT WAS THE WORLD

[Adlib.]

I said summarize the whole of world history!

Well okay! First there was nothing, then there was something - it was the world! Oh, there were cavemen and dinosaurs, and it was the world! The stone age was rockin’ but there really ain’t been no stopping since the rennaissance. Oh yeah! Somewhere between those it was medieval, it was the world! There was an industrial revolution and it was the world! And in 1984 there was a beautiful baby born, it was me. So please don’t throw me into the tank of sharks!

0045. MY HUSBAND STEPHEN

Do you know that website, Songs To Wear Panties To? My husband Stephen once sent them a telegram which read, “Write a song about my lazy wife Freya, and how she always lies. When she relates the stories I’ve told her to others, she always throws things in their general direction for comic effect. It should be in her most hated genre, gangsta rap. Oh, gangsta rap. Please make it gangsta rap.”

0046. MC PANTZ BRINGING MODERN PSALMS

So, Mother Mary’s baby’s birthday’s breaking early. Similarly, my back’s sore, probably pained ever since sliding so effervescently past seventy stairs. Blast Beverly’s mansion’s slippery surfaces making banister blisters. Missing merry purposes - misused, erased essence. So everybody better buy me some super excellent presents. Maybe my singular spine suffering prohibits merriment-mustering. Meanwhile, many bitter snowstorms blustering make practicing belief moot, most people say. But still, everybody parties, pulling evergreen bristles. So many standing beneath mistletoe, manning mouth pistols, planning pre-arranged puckered pecks. Possibly, probably, many stranger salival exchanges - proof people should stop smooching by mightily missed saviors, so maybe my eleventy-six presents may be privately savored. Bam! MC Pantz bringing modern psalms! Best, sickest, most partying songs ever! Sucka!

0048. WARM AND FUZZY

A new t-shirt can make you feel warm and fuzzy. A new t-shirt can make you feel warm and fuzzy. Diggler! Sleeveless! Bleach-free detergent! Warm and fu-

0049. THE FCC STOLE MY WALLET AND KIDNAPPED MY SISTER

Unless my brain is foreign, I think most censorshipped radio’s boring. And who claims that orange doesn’t rhyme? I’m chilling right here with David Lawrence. It’s Online Tonight, they wanna wind up fights for free speech, broadcast as far as they can reach. It’s a swell day, let’s see what they’ll say when I’m dialed up live, Toronto to LA. But look what’s come up with that Janet Jackson - FCC with $5,000 infractions. We got a plan of action.

FCC cracking down to burn Bubba the Love Sponge and also Howard Stern. Oh dear, man overboard at Clear Channel. What dorks and wierd panel of analysts decides what to battle with? The whole thing’s just a waste of time, and I hope I don’t see anybody paying the fine. I’ll fight this ’til I’m old and washed up, and I’m sure right beside me will be Lily Von Schtupp. What’s up? Censorship? Not for long. Is someone gonna step to me and try to stop this song? It’s cool to protect our children; I’ve got no qualms. So maybe the president should stop dropping bombs.

0050. POMMY JEFF VS. GEORGE BUSH

About a week ago, my man Pommy Jeff was in a lift and it got stuck. With him was an Irishman and George Bush - let me tell you, that’s just his luck. Real fast is how the night must have passed, otherwise I’m sure Jeff wouldn’t have hesitated to bust some caps. I know lately Jeff’s been fiending ’round for something to kill, but neither of his companions were getting up in his grill. At one point he thought George wanted to step. Jeff was like, “You can’t front, dawg. I know your rep, and you know my steez, so please - I’ve been looking for reasons to put holes in your cheese.” Just then, Jeff realized that, with his glock, he could bust them out this elevator with just a couple shots. So that’s what Jeff did, and got this thing settled, and at Washington was awarded a congressional medal.

0051. NO PANTS!

I don’t know if they’re expecting like some rock of sorts, but I’m just tearing up the mic here in my boxer shorts. It’s No Pants Day, and there’s no hate; “Songs To Wear Pants To” doesn’t mean “songs you can’t play when you’re naked, nude, not decent, in the buff, had enough with the pantaloons that you recently scuffed up…”

Wowsers! Check out these trousers, or lack thereof! It’s MC Underwear here bringing back the love. So don’t ruin it - step out of the pants, by now it should be intuitive. Everybody’s doing it, it’s not even a problem. Sweatpants to jeans to dress slacks, capris, just drop them.

0052. I AM THE FIRST FIFTY DIGITS OF PI

Man, I can’t - I shan’t! - formulate an anthem where the words comprise mnemonics. Dreaded mnemonics for pi…

The numerals just bother me, always - even the dry anterior. Try to request something lower (zero) in numerary aptitude. Even I, pantaloon gallant, I cannot actualize the requested mnemonics. The leading fifty, I -

0053. I AM THE MARS VOLTA / I AM SPACE GHOST

Where’s buster? Where’s buster? Dive! Suck on the pipes! Yeah.

0054. I AM A TREE

I am a tree. I don’t like to grow, but I do it anyway. Just look at me. In autumn I glow and shed these leaves day after day. In winter I’m bare but nobody cares - they might cut me down to burn. If I make it to spring I won’t have anything but the rest of my friends in an urn. Birds make summer homes on my outstretched arms; they can leave anytime they want. And they leave me alone when they fly so far, but I’m here and I’ll never be gone. Oh I’m here and I’ll never be gone.

0055. RICE PUDDING OPERA OF THE CONTRABASS MIDI SAXOPHONE

Some people insist that things that do exist don’t. Like a person goes up to you and says rice pudding or contrabass saxophones don’t exist. But rice pudding and contrabass saxophones do exist. They are both 2 feet high and 4 across and Thomas Edison invented them in 1910.

0057. DIE

Yes, you are going to die. But it won’t be from listening to me while you’re not wearing pants. It’s just something that happens eventually. You might get a disease. You might fall off a ladder. You might get stung by too many bees. But it doesn’t even matter, ’cause you’re going to die somehow anyway. You’re going to die.

0058. THAI

- Thai people
- Thai cuisine
- Thai vehicles
- Thai furniture

0060. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS THEME (ORIGINAL NINTENDO IS AWESOME REMIX)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.

Ayo, I break it down now with an intense flow. Nothing beats the original Nintendo. Select, start, 2-player game, you know. Thumb on the D-pad, ready to blow. I play it so well kids a be like “Woah.”

Devour cowards with my flower power, see son? Jet from the scene with the speed of my B-run. Try to reach me, it’s not easy. Bring the party home with Mario or Luigi. I play lots on the gray box and it straight rocks.

I am invincible, baby!

Fun times.

0061. I WANT CRIS EDWARDS

Cris Edwards, now that handsome man, I hear he uses Macs ’cause he has to. Cris Edwards, he’s super neurotic. That means he hates condiments and eats raw pasta.

Cris Edwards, he’s so great, I could just marry him. The sweetest guy you’ll ever meet - compared to him you’re a barbarian. But most of all, Cris Edwards is the best vegetarian.

Cris Edwards, that man, he gets all the ladies. And I mean from the thin to the thick - that’s right, baby. From the pretty to the gritty, to him it’s all gravy.

I want Cris Edwards and not an imposter. I want Cris Edwards. I see him drinking Foster’s. I want Cris Edwards. He wants Cris Edwards. I want Cris Edwards. Yeah!

Cris Edwards, you know that everybody should respect him. Though I still put condiments in his food just to vex him. And don’t you know, Cris Edwards, he’s the best Texan!

Cris Edwards, he loves total non sequiters, and they’re after me lucky charms. Meow.

I want Cris Edwards. I want Cris Edwards. I want Cris Edwards and not an imposter. I want Cris Edwards. I see him drinking Foster’s. I want Cris Edwards. Yeah!

[Adlib.]

0062. LIKE THERE’S NO COW

[Adlib.]

There’s a big fat, hey!

[Adlib.]

0063. I AM RANDOM AUTHORS AND MUSICIANS

Everything’s in order, officer. A shah can pack a bag, flag a cab and scram, catch as catch can. Choose words that are appropriate for the subject, the audience, and the forum. Farther than this, little could be ascertained. If they are not available, he uses his own. When I come with a dream in my eyes tonight, and I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart, open to me.

0064. BIG BOB VS. ICE CREAM CONE

Big Bob naked on the piazza with your mum, with your mum. Oh it’s Big Bob naked on the piazza with your mum and your dad. Oh it’s so much fun to sunbathe and then an ice cream cone hits him in the face.

[Adlib.]

0065. WHAT’S UP YOUR SLEEVE, STANKY?

What’s up your sleeve, Stanky? Is it the hook that got you killed at sea? You might have more luck with a hand. But you’re dead. Oh so dead. Yo-ho!

0066. I AM AN EWOK

Do I eat the koala bear pancakes? Do I eat the koala bear pancakes for breakfast? Or do I eat the Cap’n Crunch cereal? Do I eat the Capn’ Crunch cereal with mineral water?

0067. I AM MR. DRESSUP

I am going to the tickle trunk to get a pirate costume. Oh my, the tickle trunk is full of pickles. I think I will rename it “the pickle trunk”.

0068. I AM 29

I am 29. I got my first girlfriend. I win the video games. Then she breaks up with me.

0069. MC UNDERWEAR VS. MC PANTZ

Welcome to the showdown of the century! Are you ready folks? ‘Cause here we go…

Yo, yo MC Pantz, compared to you it’s like I don’t know right, ’cause when you hold that mic you rock a flow so tight. I know I’ll never need another CD in my life. You take it farther, man, you’re sharper lyrically than a knife.

Nah, Underwear, now, look, you got it all wrong. You drop it off the top and still rock an impossible song. Ayo, I’m bitterly jealous of your delivery talents and abilities balanced with agility when you tell us it’s on.

But MC Pantz got the dance moves and modern psalms! You even told the president to stop dropping bombs!

Now listen, political vision or not, my mission is hot - you’re my idol, you’re the reason that I’m spitting these shots!

You got a master plan!

You got the cash at hand!

You’ll be the last to stand!

You shine like the sun, man!

You’re the sickest emcee, you gotta understand, and I wanna let you know that I’m your #1 fan.

0070. DRAGON STYLE

Your Dragon Style is strong, but it is no match for my Purple Monkey Dishwasher.

0073. YOUR FEELINGS

When you listen to me sing, you want to marry me. My voice is the best thing in the world, and my singing is the sexiest thing ever. You float away like in a dream, and you never want me to stop.

0074. I EMPTY MY BABY

I empty my baby out my pockets to make me feel just right. I sweat dry anti-fungal cream every day and every night. You know my eye drops you every time I look for you. Get out my feet you at me eyes get really so get so every my start time you don’t me at look and.

0075. THEME FROM SHUFFLE FUNCTION

Your alarm clock goes off and it’s way to early to get up. I know you were out late or something, and should really hit the snooze, ’cause it’s too early in the morning. Boy, would another few minutes of sleep really do it! Just sleep in today. I’m sure you have some sick days left at work. Tell them you’ve got the plague. It works every time. Every time! And I’ll cover for you, ’cause I’m that kind of guy. Well, no I’m not, but I listen to Shuffle Function with Shyboy Tim and Shelley(enemies of commercial radio). Their show is almost as good as sleep. It’s pop music as pornography. .atsap tseb eht sekam nataS Tell them your car broke down. Tell them you’re all snowed in. Just get your sleep. Just get your sleep. Tell them your car broke down. Tell them you’re all snowed in. Just get your sleep, or at least listen to Shuffle Function with Shyboy Tim and Shelley (two music geeks on the radio). Their show is almost as good as sleep. It’s pop music as pornography. So come listen to Shuffle Function with Shyboy Tim and Shelley. It’s pop music as pornography. Oh, Shuffle Function!

0076. SPY THEME

Spy spy spy spy spy spy spy spy spy spy spy spy.

0077. PIE CLUB THEME

Pie club pie club pie pie club pie club pie pie club!

0078. THE DOWN AND OUT SHOW THEME

Don’t miss The Down And Out Show. The Down And Out Show. Don’t miss The Down And Out Show. The Down And Out Show. Hosted by Fiona, she’s dirty. Ew. Also hosted by Emir, she’s Irish. Um, ew? Don’t miss The Down And Out Show.

0079. GEMMA THEME

[Adlib.]

0080. CONNECT THE DOTS THEME

Connect the dots. La la la. Connect the dots. La la la. Connect the dots.

[Adlib.] Connect the dots!

0081. SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO THEME

Songs To Wear Pants To is a website. It has some songs, and you can listen to them in your computer. All you have to do is right-click and “save as”. Songs To Wear Pants To.

0082. SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO THEME

[Adlib.]

0083. MO

[Adlib.]

0084. YO

Yo. I rhyme tight and shine bright. The limelight’s a divine right. With lined mics I’m flexing wits. You can’t step to this because it’s MC Pantz on the mic tearing it up like a hurricane. Never get better than when I’m rapping with the words again. Sever the heads of emcees only looking for a name. Don’t know what you’re rhyming about when you refer to “game”. I better get on every stereo system. Flows so controlled, you need talent to miss them. I’m Songs To Wear Pants To, songs to prance to, a cappellas that could still get you breaking out dance moves. And I would keep going on and on (the way they say in songs) until the break of dawn, but I got better things to swing with my time. And it’s like that, ripping mics fast with a light laugh on a bike path. ‘Cause I might have to chill with the night staff, and they’re here now so I’ll be right back.

0086. BADGERS

[Adlib.]

0087. IT WAS TOO REMIXED!

Madam, I’m Adam. Eating cheese is the best thing in the world and cheese should rule all. This is the remix!

Ow, my mouth. The cheese was too hot. It was too remixed. It burned the top of my mouth off. But sometimes, cheese can just be really really good.

0089. UNTITLED

You will cut me.

0090. I AM A CANADIAN DONKEY

I am a Canadian donkey. My songs are not worth fifty dollars and I ignore decent requests. So this one must be pretty shoddy.

0091. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS THEME REMIX REMIX

Ayo, I break it down now with an intense flow. Nothing beats the original Nintendo. Select, start, 2-player game, you know. Thumb on the D-pad, ready to blow. I play it so well kids a be like “Woah.”

0092. SONG ABOUT SHORT SONGS

[Adlib.]

0093. TOENAILS

Toenails. I got those magnificent toenails. You never seen toenails like these before. They’re toe-la-la-la-nails. Baby, I got toenails on my toes, toenails right on top of my eyebrows, toenails in the bathtub and on the barbeque. And underneath my toenails, just toenails, toenails. Ooh girl, they’re toenails.

0094. ANOTHER DIMENSION

[Adlib.]

0095. I AM A MECHANICAL SHARK

[Adlib.]

0097. I AM A CLAM

You are on hold. Don’t be angry.

0098. DINOSAURS WITH A OUTRAGOUS BMP

Prehistoric creatures are right here and sporting features. Like a tyrannosaur, who’s louder than roaring speakers. Or there goes a stegasaurus with some back plates for us. Or the fast raptor who can’t wait for the chorus.

It’s dinosaurs with a outragous BMP. What’s BMP? I don’t even know, dude. [Adlib.]

Dinosaurs to buy with your cold cash or plastic. Hurry up and get them or you’ll be stuck with the last pick. Party animals who like to get a little spastic. Let’s get on down, I’m feeling kind of Jurassic! So many to buy, share a lot of triceratops and I’m very caught up with these dimetrodons. And did I mention that we have a sale on herbivores? Like this brontosaurus. And for a dollar it’s yours, of course.

0099. 11 WINDOWS LOGOUT SOUNDS

[Adlib.]

0100. MEGABYTES & GIGABYTES FREESTYLE

[Adlib.]

0102. UNTITLED UNTITLED

[Adlib.]

0103. UNDERAGE STALKERS

Why am I stalked by these underage girls? Why am I stalked by these underage girls? Why am I stalked by these underage girls? They won’t leave me alone at my job.

I’m trying to sell some clothes. They’ll come into the store and hit on me, but they’re 16 - I’m 24!

Girls this hot never would notice me in high school, so why now, when it’s illegal? Oh why now? Girls this hot never would date me when I was their age. It’s just no fair - when they were being born I was eight!

They say they love me and they want to have my kids. They want to marry me. I don’t know what I did to get attention from girls this hot never would notice me in high school, so why now, when it’s illegal? Oh why now? Girls this hot never would date me when I was their age, and now they visit my work everyday.

Why am I stalked by these underage girls? Why am I stalked by these underage girls? Why am I stalked by these underage girls? They won’t leave me alone at my job. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah!

I think they must be joking; I just play along.

Dude, what about that time when you were asked to go to a prom?

Aw, I totally forgot about that.

Why do these underage girls keep stalking me now? They’re stalking me. Why do these underage girls keep stalking me now? They’re stalking me. Why do these underage girls keep stalking me now? They’re stalking me. Why do these underage girls keep stalking me?

0104. LITTLE ALBINO KITTY

[Adlib.]

0105. MY SISTER-IN-LAW’S EARS

Oh, hey, MC Pantz, did you know that I have a brother and his ears are so big that you can put your fist inside them?

Fist? That’s nothing. Let me give you a list of things that fit in my sister-in-law’s ears. It’s like this:

Oak trees, and my collection of boat keys. Bling from my homies, twelve pounds of perogies made with goat cheese, and even the computer and monitor which I used when I wrote these rhymes. How ’bout a vat of magic potion? Maybe a whale - nah, the whole Atlantic Ocean.

Oh, she’s approaching a size so large, you’ll crash into her lobes every time you drive a car. It’s like, kids make fun of her because she’s deformed, saying her ears are a blanket that would keep them warm. She gets hurt every time and comes right to me. But I don’t mind, yo - she channels satellite TV.

[Adlib.]

0106. A COOL WAY TO ASK A GIRL TO THE DANCE

[Adlib.]

0110. I AM YOUR TERRIBLE WARDROBE

Oh, I’m your boyfriend’s sweater, and you know I’ll keep you warm at night. Yeah.

Yo, yo, I’m your low rise jeans, I’m on the scene, I’m in style ’cause I’m worn by the teens. I’m what they got on when they live American dreams, and I’m comfy at the seams. Y’all know what I mean.

I am your green underwear that has a hole in it. [Adlib.]

0117. IF YOU PLAY THIS SONG BACKWARDS IT WILL SOUND THE SAME

If you play this song backwards it will sound the same. .emas eht dnuos lliw ti sdrawkcab gnos siht yalp uoy fI

0120. LENNON MCCARTNEY MERRIAM WEBSTER BARNES NOBLE

Smith, McDonald.

0121. SEXY DEBATER TECHNO

[Adlib throughout.]

If Brains Were Only Sexy.

One, Two, Three, Debate!

0122. BEERBOGANNING

[Adlib.]

No. You’re wrong. You like to sing songs about toboganning.

Oh, I like to be drinking beer while I am toboganning. I don’t care if I’m freezing, down those snowy hills I’m rocketing. My favorite fringe activity, when it comes to the toboggan, is bombing down hills into traffic and taking out some politicians while they’re jogging.

Oh, I like to beerboggan. It’s such a thrill! If you like to beerboggan, run to the hills.

0124. HAAAAIIIII

[Adlib throughout.]

I like to sing some songs, just five seconds at a time. I do a new one everyday, and I can record anything at all that I want to.

I am a cowboy.

0126. MIKE CELESTINO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STAR WARS?

[Adlib throughout.]

I was just watching Episode II. Oh and it got me thinking about you. Oh Mike, Mike Celestino, what did you do to make Star Wars suck so bad?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mike Celestino, what have you done with Star Wars? (Uh-huh, uh-huh.) Oh baby, I liked it in the 80s far more. Oh Mike, it’s so absurd. Why did they make it so bad? Is it because you’re such a nerd? Is it because you like the Muppets way too much? (Word.) Oh, Hayden Christensen gets on my nerves.

And I blame Mike Celestino for every George Lucas mistake. Oh I blame Mike Celestino for every George Lucas Mistake. Oh Mike, baby, I know that really it’s not your fault.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh Mike Celestino, what have you done with Star Wars? (Uh-huh, uh-huh.) I want my money back. I should have just bought cardboard, ’cause it would be less expensive, and just as flat, and I could fold it into a pretty sweet hat. Yo, Mike Celestino, can Star Wars do anything like that? No!

And I blame Mike Celestino for every George Lucas mistake. Oh I blame Mike Celestino for every George Lucas Mistake. We blame Mike Celestino.

0127. OH YEAH YEAH YEAH

Kira, go meet Erik. You don’t wanna be late - he’s got a coupon and he’ll take you on a date. He’ll take you salsa dancing if that’s what you desire, but might make you go home early ’cause it makes him tired. So you’ll go home and watch TV, and if you can’t agree to watch cartoons or plastic surgery, just put on Good Eats with Alton Brown.

Oh yeah yeah yeah, it’s your boyfriend Erik, and I know he’s such a heartthrob, but if he stays the night, remember to put a hanger on your doorknob.

Oh, Erik paid me to wish you a happy birthday, Kira. Yeah, Erik had to pay me to wish you a happy birthday, Kira.

Oh Kira, Erik would be so pathetic without you. When you worked on the cruise ship, refreshing the webcam was all he’d do. And if that’s how pathetic he is now, just imagine how it would go if you weren’t there to point out all the things that he doesn’t know. And as long as your sister stays with her man, nobody will expect you to have kids any time soon. Guitar!

Oh yeah yeah yeah, it’s your boyfriend Erik, and I know he’s such a heartthrob, but if he stays the night, remember to put a hanger on your doorknob.

[Adlib.]

Oh, Erik paid me to wish you a happy birthday, Kira. Yeah, Erik had to pay me to wish you a happy birthday, Kira. Just let him play one more game of online boggle against your mom, and then he’ll come to bed. Happy birthday.

0128. DEPARTMENT STORE VS. PREDATOR

Missy was a girl in Predator armor. Hey hey hey hey. No one could stop her, no one could harm her. Oi oi oi oi.

Her latest hunt was in a department store. Let me take a minute to tell you about the gore.

There was this one guy in the underwear section; Missy came through with her wristblade to dissect him. Then the lady with her baby who has asthma; Missy didn’t care, she coated them in plasma.

“This is my grand finale,” Missy said, as she put her spear through a cashier’s head and everybody died. Yeah, everybody died. Oh yeah, everybody died. Everybody everybody everybody died.

0129. ANDREW VS. THE WILDERNESS

I was hunting bears.

0130. ANDREW VS. TIME

Hypotheses and variables in sociology. Muffins.

0131. SHOOBY-DOO-WOP-MUH-MUH-NE-MY-MY-MY

Oh, if records are the flower, then doo-wop is the nectar, and this blossom goes out to my two favorite collectors. I’ve got a shooby-doo-wop for Karen, and a muh-muh-ne-my-my-my for Elaine, and there’s a lot more where those came from once we hit the refrain. We’ll spread this Merry Christmas joy all through the city, if you just get up and raise your voice and sing it with me. (Muh-muh-ne-my-my-my.)

Oh it goes: Ooboodeeboop-bah-boo. Eebeedeebeep-bah-bee. Doobeedoobop-bah-boo. Shibbideebop-bah-hey-ey-yeah! Ooboodeeboop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Eebeedeebeep-bah-bee. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Doobeedoobop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Shibbideebop-bah-hey-ey-yeah! (Shooby-doo-wop.)

[Adlib.]

(Shooby-doo-wop.) Ooboodeeboop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Eebeedeebeep-bah-bee. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Doobeedoobop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Shibbideebop-bah-hey-ey-yeah! (Shooby-doo-wop.) Ooboodeeboop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Eebeedeebeep-bah-bee. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Doobeedoobop-bah-boo. (Shooby-doo-wop.) Shibbideebop-bah-hey-ey-yeah! (Shooby-doo-wop.)

0132. AWLGHILAGNKLBNDAFKJNGAKLEHKRGTH

Awlghilagnklbndafkjngaklehkrgth is my favorite North African swear word.

0133. LIBRARIANS RULE THE WORLD

[Adlib.]

0136. YOUR MOM

Your mom.

0137. WHY MY FREE REQUESTS CAN ONLY BE 1:11

Long songs take longer to write.

0138. MTV IS LAME AND FOR SUCKERS

MTV is lame and for suckers.

0140. SEXY QUESTIONS

Sexy questions. Sexy questions. Sexy questions. [Adlib.]

0142. WILL SHE SAY YES OR NO, HMM, IDUNNO, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK THAT SONG GUY, YEAH, HE’LL TELL ME, OK COOL, I’M GONNA GO ASK HIM NOW

The girl will say yes. Ask her out right now.

0152. I LOATHE MATH MADE IN LETTERS

I loathe math made in letters; long division makes my vendetta. I can’t do decimals. I can’t do decimals. I can’t do decimals.

0153. STEP IN 2 THA BARBER-HOP HIP-SHOP

Check, we’re gonna do it like this. Word, yo, yo, yo.

Boy, you need to trim those bangs before I pop caps in your backside, mang. I sizzle with scissors and get busy, leave you all dizzy - your brand new mushroom cut is off the hizzy. Who’m I gonna slice next with my nice text? My advice - get back, ’cause I might shred that prettiest mane into the same do you find in Sonic The Hedgehog (the videogame).

Ooh, step into the barber-hop hip-shop. In my blade wack styles all get caught, and when we’re through, well, you’ve never looked this hot. It’s the hip-shop. It’s the hip-shop. It’s the hip-shop.

160. AN AMERICAN CURRENT EVENT OF MY CHOICE CAW

The president is a Bush caw.

0161. SMELT

Smelt. Smelt. Smells. Smells. Smell. Smelt. Smelt. Like. Like. That. Than. Why. If. I. Can’t.

0163. KNAPSACK

Knapsack!

0165. EVIL PICKLE VS. EVERYONE

An evil pickle kills your family. An evil pickle kills your friends and acquaintances. An evil pickle kills the people you don’t know. Uh, I guess that pretty much covers it.

0169. JULIE BEAR

Jules, on our fifth anniversary I want you to know how much I treasure your company. From ‘95, when we first met, it’s been such a dream - quite literally, in fact, if you recall Apollo 13.

I love you, Julie Bear, you must know it’s true. Wife of mine, every line shows how much I do. I know yours is the heart I’m meant for; if you agree you’ll love me tender. I’m never never gonna give you up.

I was so happy to propose to you in Venice, to begin our lives together and knowing nothing could end this. I’m so glad we have Lily and Missy, our beautiful little daughters, though I can’t say that they’re quite as little as your trotters.

0170. NOT FILLING YOUR REQUEST

To fill your request, I would have to not fill it. Which means that, by filling it, I’m not filling it. Your mind is blown.

0171. HIP-HOP WITH A BAD ENGLISH ACCENT

Yo, check it. I have the worst English accent ever. I must make a presentation, my boss says I better. But tonight I am drinking with my buddies. My boss is mean and he is leaning on me.

0173. TOENAILS (MICROTOENAIL MIX)

Toenails. I got those magnificent toenails. You never seen toenails like these before. They’re toe-la-la-la-nails. Baby, I got toenails on my toes, toenails right on top of my eyebrows, toenails in the bathtub and on the barbeque. And underneath my toenails, just toenails, toenails. Ooh girl, they’re toenails.

0178. JEN AND ADAM ON THE RADIO

[Adlib.]

It’s Jen and Adam on the radio, so give me a little itty bitty bit of useless trivia. Jen. Adam. Radio.

0178. 50 CENT MEETS CREED

Hi, I’m 50 Cent.
Hi, I’m Creed.
Wanna go bowling?
Okay!

0179. WEBSTERS POCKET THESAURUS FREESTYLE

[Adlib.]

0180. I AM ONE ITEM FROM YOUR TERRIBLE WARDROBE

Oh, I’m your boyfriend’s sweater, and you know I’ll keep you warm at night. Yeah. Oh, I was woven from the armpit hair of his past lovers. Well, there’s only one, but she had really long armpit hair.

0181. I AM SLIGHTLY AWESOME

I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome. I am slightly awesome.

0182. CHEESE & CRACKERS

Yo. I've got cracker bottoms and tops with cheese stacked in columns. I'm snacking on them, so please, just back off if you want them - I need the fibre. My greed, desire and inner fire a wee bit tired from dealing with people stealing my salted, unsalted, square-shaped, favorite not-quite-wafer. I just don't share. I find cheddar better than marble or mozzarella but was startled by feta - just marveling, "Have you ever tried to whet an appetite in the way of the Greeks?" Go ahead and say I'm a geek. I'm taking your sweets and replacing them each with an array of this cheese, while at the same time slaying emcees, and I'm the one making the beats - but never eating enough. I hold mics with old whites and Premium Plus. Forget wild, I'm mild - my freestyles grate on everyone's ears. Ooh, child, but when I write this text, I slice it. I'm nice with a knife, just creep in to wreck wits. I step with lyrical Wheat Thins. You'll never be superior, so you should just begin to respect it.

0183. O

Woo. Potato.

0184. WHERE ALL THE STAPLES GO AFTER YOU PULL THEM OFF THE PAPER AND TOSS THEM ON THE FLOOR

They go on the floor, dude.

0185. TRIPS

[Adlib.]

Trips, trips, trips. Trips, trips trips. Come on baby now. Trips, trips, trips. I like to move it move it. Trips, trips, trips.

[Adlib.]

Trips, trips, trips. Trips, trips trips. Come on baby now. Trips, trips, trips. Trips.

[Adlib.]

0186. DO I GET THE BONUS POINTS

[Adlib.]

I put a lid on the pot or saucer so the water could boil faster as the stovetop coils capture some heat. Keep leftovers wrapped warm, I’m the foil-master - ruin your evil schemes with feeble themes from people’s dreams of spoiled bastards who always play first and toil after. Toy maps and guns induce boys’ laughter. I’m back for a minute to win it like war backwards in oil pastures. I’m half yours with party-crashers.

Stand back. Plan of attack: We’ll slam cats with some canned crap in Manhattan, your band’s flat…It’s more of a phat bachelor pad with dance mats, but that’s that. Doo-dat-dat, doo-dat-dat. So stand back. Plan of attack: We’ll slam cats with some canned crap in Manhattan, your band’s flat…It’s more of a phat bachelor pad with dance mats, but that’s that. Doo-dat-dat, doo-dat-dat.

I might seize some white cheese, though it’s unlikely, ’cause my mic steez is tight - leaves other bright emcees blowing even in a light breeze, knowing if they fight me that…actually they would win.

Yo, yo, stand back. Plan of attack: We’ll slam cats with some canned crap in Manhattan, your band’s flat…It’s more of a phat bachelor pad with dance mats, but that’s that. Doo-dat-dat, doo-dat-dat. So stand back. Plan of attack: We’ll slam cats with some canned crap in Manhattan, your band’s flat…It’s more of a phat bacjdfgkrtayltiyoyihklfkdjaksdgmfjfkjgdagjgdfagjbm

0187. LISA

You don’t care about yourself. You don’t care about yourself. Why don’t you care about yourself? Oh. Why don’t you care? Why don’t you care about yourself? Yourself.

0188. THE LITTLE MERMAID

So, we’re pretty much in agreement that this genre of music is the least appropriate for everything ever.

[Adlib.]

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Under the sea.

[Adlib.]

So remember, kids: Always fasten your seatbelt.

0190. WOP WOP WOP MO MO MO MO

Well I know good doo-wop when I hear it - no one has to tel me. But I know a guy who knows it better - let’s call him Chris Kelly.

He used to work on air but now he’s doing something quite different. Yeah. He visits radio stations and fixes all their equipment. Yeah.

Chris is quite the audiophile, I can’t imagine what his system cost. But it must have been a wopping sum, so can I get a couple of wop wop wops? Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo. Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo.

He’s pretty young for a collector but his birthday’s arrived. Yeah. He’s turning 40 and a bit, but his record player’s turning 45’s.

Chris is quite the audiophile, I can’t imagine what his system cost. But it must have been a wopping sum, so can I get a couple of wop wop wops? Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo. Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo. Two more now. Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo. Wop wop wop. Mo mo mo mo.

0191. ADAM’S THING

Adam’s thing is coming. Adam’s gonna come and do a thing. It’s a thing and it’s Adam doing it. Adam’s thing.

0192. BALLAD OF SMASHING INTO A PLANE

Oh I can’t help but love these summer days when I’ve got the wind against my face.

0193. ROSENPIG

Rosenpig the Second sends the Hindenberg down in flames. The Third destroys the sphinx’s nose and the Fourth shoots JFK. Rosenpig the Fifth breaks the Venus de Milo’s arms, the Sixth does the Titanic some harm, and the Seventh finds true happiness with giant prehistoric guinea pigs (even though they’re so big).

0195. CONE PONY HOME ALONE

You’ve been purged and binged too by the girls who’ve kissed you in an urn with kids who tried to learn jujitsu I’m a person it’s true but you first my get through when I’m bursting which makes me an explosion.

[Adlib.]

0196. I AM ON THE RADIO WITH PETER SHURMAN RIGHT NOW

I am on the radio with Peter Shurman right now. I think you should call in and tell us all about how you like that Newstalk 1010 radio.

0198. THE LITTLE MERMAID (A CAPPELLA)

So, we’re pretty much in agreement that this genre of music is the least appropriate for everything ever.

[Adlib.]

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Under the sea.

[Adlib.]

So remember, kids: Always fasten your seatbelt.

0199. BLUNDERLAND!

[Adlib.]

Well, Alice is getting angry, the Mad Hatter is yelling and the March Hare can’t memorize his lines. One flower is extremely butch, the others are all giggling except one obnoxious one who loudly cries.

It’s Wonderland! [Adlib.]

The White Rabbit can’t remember what Alice’s name isn’t. The King wants to be the judge. In the mean time, the Queen’s getting lost in her dress, and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum never got hugs from their mom.

It’s Wonderland! [Adlib.]

If the Duchess’ baby is a pig then who’s the father? I don’t know, but the Cheshire Cat belongs in a cabaret (as opposed to the Narrator, who belongs in a big chair, and the Doormouse, who’s head belongs hitting the table).

It’s Wonderland! [Adlib.]
It’s Wonderland with the Knave of Hearts - “painting the roses red, tra-la-la.”

The director’s way too busy putting flowers on a bush and the cook is totally high on pepper. But everyone in Wonderland, oh, everyone in Wonderland is mad at the assistant director. Oh, they’re mad at the assistant director.

0200. A SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 30′S WHO HAS 3 CATS

[Adlib.]

0201. RAIN, TURTLES, COWBELL

I like rain. It is so wet. You know what else is wet is turtles.

0202. FANTASY WORLD

Hey, this is “Fantasy world”. It’s your song. Ok, call me.

0203. BEWARE THE SEA ANENEMONE

Beware the sea anenemone. He doesn’t like you very much. He’ll kill you and your family with one swift tentacled touch.

Oh oh, they’re the sea anenenomes - definitely your enenemies sailing on the seneven seas. When can we be just friendinily with them? Never. Maybe tomorrow.

0204. HALF YOUR RECOMMENDED DAILY INTAKE OF FAT

It’s half your recommended daily intake of fat.

[Adlib.]

Yo, I get fat and you dig that, so call me “Big Chief” like a Micmac. I dribble all the grease on my Zig-Zags. I’m really looking forward to the knick-knack sticky beef patty. Wack Mickey D’s cardiac arrest! Best guess for my heart attack stress? It’s the Big Mac. There’s only one thing that’s fatter and sicker too - you might have guessed it, it’s the rapper that you’re listening to.

It’s half your recommended daily intake of fat. [Adlib.]

So I’m in this, making emcees turn purple like the Grimace. [Adlib.]

0206. GIRL, I’M SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO MOVE

I miss you.

Girl, I’m sorry, but I have to move, ’cause if I stayed still all the time, well, how would I get anything done? I need that motion, baby, oh baby.

I’m sorry if my movements made you not enjoy our dates enough, but it’s a pretty stupid reason for breaking up. Why don’t you go out with a statue made of clay and stuff, so you couldn’t break its heart like mine?

0207. MY DAY IN SUCK-CITY

[Adlib throughout.]

There were vaccuum cleaners everyhwere. Everywhere. I couldn’t detach the leeches from my thighs. My thighs. All the children had lollipops. Suck-city.

0208. ANDREW VS. TIMMY TREE

I can’t do the foxtrot, no. Timmy Tree wants to eat me, no. He’s gonna sail to Denmark (no!) and put his mouth over my head.

[Adlib.]

0210. TURN 31

Frances, are you there? The reason I ask is ’cause I have a small favor I need you to do for me. Don’t worry, it’s not hard. You just gotta turn 31. You gotta turn 31.

You’re small but fierce, I won’t get all up in your grill. How could I ever cross the Thrill from Westhill? You’ve read every spy book off the trolley, became a publicist but there’s still hope for Collie.

So turn 31, you turn 31 and fanny around with press releases. So turn 31, you turn 31. You’re cute as a Daisy Duke.

Break out the Strawberry Shortcake. Kevin runs to the exits - let’s hope he comes back with a candy necklace just for your birthday. I know it will be happy. I’m yelling at my loudest but I’m not as loud as Matti.

So turn 31, you turn 31. Girl, you got a really special talent - that’s slurping whiskey sours by the gallon. So turn 31, you turn 31. Let’s put you in a pretty pink dress. It’s June 10th - gonna get you looking your best. So turn 31, you turn 31.

One one one one one one thing I know about the rest of my life: I know that I’ll be living it in Canada.

You turn 31. You turn 31. You turn 31. You turn 31. You turn 31. You turn 31.

0215. ARE YOU SERIOUS? BAYWATCH?

I’ve watched way too much TV. I see them but they don’t see me. Oh, it’s so close to over - I don’t know what else they’ll show, yo, where’s the remote control?

TV and movies make me laugh too hard. Still, I’m racking DVDs up on my Mastercard Bill. Crap at Blockbuster…back to Rogers. It’s hot, gonna run fast or jog, with no hat and top, and rival Mr. David Hasselhoff. I make the castles rot quicker than Lancelot. Nevermind. I’m tired, man. I have to stop. Lying on the side of the road, I hack and cough, like “I think I’m getting the black lung, pop” - yikes!

I’ve watched way too much TV. I see them but they don’t see me. Oh, it’s so close to over - I don’t know what else they’ll show, yo, where’s the remote control?

0218. MUSKRAT FOR LUNCH

Muskrat: Not for breakfast.
Muskrat: Not for brunch.
Muskrat: Not for dinner.

Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for my lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for my lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for lunch! Muskrat for my lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Muskrat for my lunch! Muskrat for my lunch! Muskrat for my lunch!

Muskrat pasta! Muskrat sandwich! Muskrat pizza! Muskrat salad! Muskrat popcorn! Muskrat sausage! Muskrat porridge! Muskrat truffle! Muskrat toenails! Muskrat! For lunch! Yum!

0219. THE TOUCHTONE GENIUS

[Adlib throughout.]

I am so rich! I have won the lottery! And then the guy goes: I’m going to buy a sports car! You must buy me a fur coat! I’m going to purchase the fastest sports car! You idiot, buy me a diamond ring! So it goes on for a while then…

Your mom’s fat!

0220. SISTER REES

Kathy, we can’t thank you enough for your help. You do so much for others, sometimes you forget about yourself. You remember every birthday and DJ the church dances, and in seminary - it’s well-known - you can count on Sister Rees for the answers.

We want to thank you, Sisiter Rees, for your work in each of these young hearts and minds who’ll never forget you. You help us choose the right, and endure to the end. You’re everybody’s mother. You’re everyone’s best friend.

Kathy, you’ve always welcomed us into your home, and we’re sorry if we’ve forgotten to return anything you’ve loaned. Kathy, just knowing you is such a blessing - who else would wake up and give 6am Christmas gospel lessons?

We want to thank you, Sisiter Rees, for your work in each of these young hearts and minds who’ll never forget you. You help us choose the right, and endure to the end. You’re everybody’s mother. You’re everyone’s best friend.

0221. HIP-HOP PANTS

[Adlib.]

Fake emcees’ verses are phoned in. I disconnect, ruin your calls. You best respect the pen I’m using to scrawl words for ruling your malls and school halls. You can have your club hits; I strike with an aluminum ball. Let’s see how much of an audience you can enthrall. The fools’ll get mauled when I’m choosing to brawl. But I can’t take credit here for doing it all - got a talent on the beats named Julian Hall. Bust moves when you cruise with us two. We come through ready to abuse and crush crews. What’s up, dudes? You know I’m bringing enough news to rain down from above you. You love grooves that feature the voice of your favorite creature. I’m pleased to meet you with a noise in each ear, so reach for the sky now and shake your keister. I won’t stop ’til I’m topping charts like a pizza - just slice and dice. I’m too nice with any words for the right price. Emcees talk murder in their text. It’s like, go ahead and kill it, I’ll resurrect the mic. So respect me. Just respect me, man. You can look me up and down, but respect me. So respect me. Just respect me. I get beats from heads who’ve never even met me.

[Adlib.]

0223. SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE

Shake, shake, shake, you make beautiful art and shake, shake, shake, watch some home and garden. Shake, shake shake, it’s Frankie & Stinkie! Chris, kathy wants to thank you for thinking up all these wonderful ideas for her business, and then doing all the work. Hey, what is this?!

You’re the best dad, you’re wonderful with jackson - when you’re not distracted by some iPod action. I’ve just been kidding. Really, you’re lovely - the sumo wrestling sandbox buddy! You truly do deserve a laptop for your work, but all you get is me, er…Um, hey, where’s Kathy?

0224. SAVAGE CHICKENS THEME

[Adlib throughout.]

Chickens and speech bubbles, the main components,
With solid gold lines like “SMELL THE MOMENT!”
What came first, two chickens or a pair of eggs?
Post-its and a pen breaking down barracades.
Original or extra cripsy, with marinades!
Check out these other chicken wits that I paraphrase…
I’m gonna wish I never told you I have regrets,
Keeping my fear of plaid in check with stuff kafka said.
Wait, it was really a barbara minute.
The glass is half full, but I bet there’s arsenic in it.
Chicken one’s apathetic, two’s mouthing surprise,
And then Willie Nelson’s shooting lasers out of his eyes.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He was supposed to, yo -
That’s where he could read about himself on a post-it note.

Savage Chickens! Say what? Say what? They cluck!

Doug Savage would only have to spend like one coin,
But no, he’s making me write sonnets at gunpoint.
It’s TERMINATOR THEATRE, bionic legs a good goal,
And so’s drawing thousands of chickens with no control.
But in the whole, one line’s got mad longevity,
It’s “BREVITY: WIT’S SOUL.”
The world is beautiful except for the evil,
And if you believe in me, what else are you believing in?
UFOs! Just let go of the high strain
Of your life’s suffering, except the migraine.
Can’t stop drawing and the clock’s ticking.
Been at it so long, plots have to thicken.
New ‘toons almost daily, there’s lavish pickings,
So when life hands you lemons, read Savage Chickens!

Savage Chickens! Say what? Say what? They cluck!

Savage Chickens say the best things ever.

0225. AMANDA, GREATEST SISTER IN THE WORLD

Amanda, please tell me that I’m next in line. Yonge and Eligible, I need your loving all the time. You’re very neat and fussy, so if you reject me it’s okay. I’m actually only here ’cause Christopher sent me to wish you happy birthday.

Amanda, you’re the greatest sister in the world. And don’t you know your laugh’s infectious, girl? St. Patrick’s Day you’re 26, celebrate it with me, baby. Bee-bee. Gotta get my fix of the mean-baked-brie-cooking, half-Japanese, half-Scottish, formerly figure skating Little Miss Bossypants, Amanda.

0026. KAMIKAZE HIGHLANDER

He came alone to our fair town,
Our tower by the lake.
Katana at his side, in ghillie brogues
Left sorrow in his wake.

A kilt, a brush, a flying scarf
‘Twas strange for the eye to see.
An artist and a warrior both
With the blood of two countries

But now the lad has found true love
by the cliffs of Scarborough-town
Now the fire of a life full-lived
Burns in his eyes so brown

One, two, three, four!

He’s the Kamikaze Highlander
He’s a half-breed samurai
He’s living in this floating world
Drinking scotch and flying high

When he fights he fights to win
Yellow skin and a red beard
He’s an almond-eyed gaijin
He’s doing battle with no fear

He’s the Kamikaze Highlander
He’s a half-breed samurai
He’s living in this floating world
Drinking scotch and flying high

With his fair lass at his side
And enemies bowing at his feet
Japanese resolve and Scottish pride
Don’t even talk about retreat

He’s the Kamikaze Highlander
He’s a half-breed samurai
He’s living in this floating world
Drinking scotch and flying high

He’s a proud Canadian
He can draw up some real mean plans.
He loves montreal smoked meat
Too bad he can’t skate worth a damn!

Sporran!
Hachimaki!
Sgian Dubh!
Katana!

Summer grasses -
All that remains
of soldiers’ dreams.

0228. CELLPHONES COME AND GO

You used to use adam’s old driver’s license to buy booze. Now you’re of age, but that doesn’t change that Uncle Tony is bad news. Sean’s jumping over cars, flying over everything like a comet. Your mom’s only walking, and she’s stepping in his vomit.

Cellphones come and go, but it’s always your birthday.

It’s chris’s birthday, I’m singing it like my name was K-Squared, and I’m trying what your mom asked but I bet I sound nothing like McFerrin. This song can’t match the Grand River, but I hope it makes a good story. I’ve got to namecheck your other friends now - Dan, Kailey, Mary, Scott, Josh and Corey.

Cellphones come and go, but it’s always your birthday.

0229. THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CHEESE

So, according to my calculations, any of the following amounts of cheese would be suitable for putting into a hot dog bun before throwing it at your ex:

A kilo. A litre. A gram. As much as you can fit in your father’s left hand. How ’bout a sprinkling, a teaspoon, an ounce? Maybe 107,004 pounds. I’m gonna throw a gallon. I’m gonna throw a ton. I’m gonna throw a few, or maybe just one. I’m gonna throw all of it. I’m gonna throw none. I’m gonna throw this cheese in a hot dog bun.

0230. THE IZZY AND TACO SHOW THEME

This is the story of Isabelle and Taco, and it’s the story of Karen and Mike also. There’s no way you’d get these cats to stay put - as long as they’re not sleeping, craziness is afoot.

Taco’s legs, ears and tail have traces of hazel, but not as much as Izzy, who’s playing with her crazel nut. She likes to climb her tree, and climb on people’s backs for tours. Taco, on the other hand, would rather fall flat on the floor.

This is the story of Isabelle and Taco, and it’s the story of Karen and Mike also. There’s no way you’d get these cats to stay put - as long as they’re not sleeping, craziness is afoot.

Isabelle could play with her furball forever, but Taco prefers other toys, whether feather or leather. When it comes to new people, Fuzzy’s friendly, Buddy’s a little scared - but when they’re not looking he might just cover them in hair.

This is the story of Isabelle and Taco, and it’s the story of Karen and Mike also. There’s no way you’d get these cats to stay put - as long as they’re not sleeping, craziness is afoot.

Oh Taco Taco Taco, we like to call him viscious, and Izzy Izzy Crazy Fuzz, her food is so delicious. When she’s sitting on the laptop, Taco steals her food and flops, and when he starts to chase her ’round, she gives his head a bop.

It’s the izzy and taco show!

0233. MY STARTER MOTOR

I found my starter motor But suddenly it stopped
So, wearing my straw boater On half my legs I hopped

Across the fields of lettuce And over hills of peuce
My poorly starter motor It surely needed juice.

Then when I got back home Alarmed with oily smear
My starter motor started! …then stopped as I grew near

“Stop starting, starter motor Only then to stop!”
I shouted with annoyance (for I was in a strop).

My motor, poor thing, rose up! And shouted, and with a shout
“I’m not a starter motor! I was born a rainbow trout.”

That night I cooked the motor And ate it with some sauce
It started out quite tasty But quickly stopped of course.

Thank you.

[Adlib.] Do you want to get started?

You’re my starter motor, baby, now, yeah yeah yeah.

0234. REVERSE ESCARGOT

I know you feel like it just can’t be. It’s too late for your friends and your family. I’m sorry this is hard. Understand me. I’ve got to tell you all this non-chalantly. I’ll spare the details of the fight. We failed. Still wanna crush our enemies, but that ship has sailed. Stood our ground to no avail, it’s a sad tale. Everyone not here was eaten by the giant snails.

It’s reverse escargot, don’t know? Anyhwere you go, they’re gonna show. It’s reverse escargot, what you gonna do when they come for you?

Yo, I’ll be eaten. Definitely beaten - never get ahead of snails, ’specially on the weekend. But I digress. I’m a get chewed up and swallowed, then digested all up in the hollow of the snail belly. Turn my whole body into nutritional jelly. [Adlib.]

0235. LONDA’S YELLOW XB

Londa’s so happy
With her yellow XB
It’s a good addition to the
Happy Hackett Family.

Square.
Four doors.
Spoiler.
Takes her where she wants to be.

Toyota-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Londa’s so happy
With her yellow XB
It’s got room enough for
Bea and Esme
Daisy and Caesar
and maybe even me.

Square.
Four doors.
Spoiler.
Takes her where she wants to be.

Toyota-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Londa’s yellow XB
she’ll never lose it in a parking lot.
Londa’s yellow XB
Karen can see it coming from three miles away
Londa’s yellow XB
I hope it always makes her happy.

Square.
Four doors.
Spoiler.
Takes her where she wants to be.

Toyota-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

(Somebody open a window,
Caesar made a stinky!)

0237. WHEN I WAS 19

[Adlib.] When I was 19, the time screamed on by, chasing my dreams of meeting high queens. Thought I had soul inside me. That was a lie, gee - the feeling in my stomach there was just fried beans. Started rapping after school, just wrecking lines. I was doing grade twelve for the second time. Joined the gym, stole coins and swim trunks and socks, and when I got caught, pointed at him.

Ah! No, no, it wasn’t me!

Whatever, buddy. Passed my tests this time, though I never studied. Moved out, quit the gym, I was getting chubby. Just put antennas on my head, I’d be a teletubby. And the kids were still like, “Yo, I can’t relate!” I planned to get the man’s oppressed enslaved music and emancipate. There’s no answer yet, so just stand and wait. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the pants. Respect! [Adlib.]

0238. FOOD

[Adlib.]

What about meat? No. Bad.

0239. THE MOST EXCITING THING I DID IN THE PAST YEAR FREESTYLE

[Adlib.]

0240. THE HAPPIEST COUPLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

This will work best with you listening - better than a Crate and Barrel gift certificate. You’ve been married over a year, and you’re happy, we can tell. We’re sending you our warmest wishes, Maura and Miguel!

0244. ANDREW VS. TIMMY TREE BETTER SONG

I can’t do the foxtrot, no. Timmy Tree wants to eat me, no. He’s gonna sail to Denmark (no!) and put his mouth over my head.

[Adlib.]

0245. POLKA LOCA

It’s the polka loca! During the chorus you can dance in any way, but during the verse do exactly as I say! Chorus!

Clap your hands three times! Clap someone else’s hands three times!

Make a puppet with your hand and talk to your neighbor! Neighbor on the left! Neighbor on the right! And now it’s the chorus, so do anything you like!

Now, swing your partner ’round and ’round! Shake your hands in the sky, then stomp on the ground! Shake about! Twist and shout! Whip it out! Run around and touch your elbows to your nose! Bring your booty down to the ground! Bounce back up and dance like your peeling bananas so fast it doesn’t matter! Now, do anything you want!

0246. THIS IS A SLEEPOVER!

[Adlib.]

0247. KEVIN DEE!

Who spends his days surrounded by posters from Successories?
Who’ll listen to both Al Green and 50 Cent with me?
Who thinks fast cars and motorcycles are heavenly?
Who likes a drink now and then, scotch especially?
He’s like a fine scotch, he’ll be finer when he’s 70.
Gets all the love from his family, Janis, Jen and Steve.
It’s Kevin Dee!

0248. YOUR TERRIER TALKS WITH THE CUTEST FRENCH ACCENT BUT YOU KNOW IT

Maddie loves Katie so much that she’s trying to dig a hole for them to escape to China. ‘Cause when they walk in the States it’s like, “Clear the area! This cute girl’s got a crazy talking silky terrier!”

Maddie! You’re such a styling puppy! Watching Animal Planet on the tele! Maddie! Word up, dog, represent! You talk with the cutest french accent!

I’m going to go and visit Katie. It’s quite exciting - oh, Maddie just peed. I would tell you lots more, but I have to go listen to ‘Private Dancer’ and eat kielbasa.

Maddie! You’re such a styling puppy! Watching Animal Planet on the tele! Maddie! Word up, dog, represent! You talk with the cutest french accent!

0249. THE GIANT SQUID

The Giant Squid eats dogs, and conquering the world is something he’d like to be involved in. It starts with writing a weekly advice column.

In terms of size, the Giant Squid’s greater than your average squid. A Velocitator is what he travels in - there he goes! (”See you later!”)

He lives atop the RenCen in Detroit, Michigan, and one time fought this guy named Lincoln. If you get bitten in the ocean, blame his minions.

The Giant Squid will rule the world! His eyes are optically perfect! Whales are his mortal enemy and he eats dogs and he eats dogs and he eats dogs! Oh, the Giant Squid eats dogs!

It’s Poormojo’s Giant Squid.

0250. THE GIANT SQUID ALL-GIRL J-PUNK REDUX

The Giant Squid eats dogs, and conquering the world is something he’d like to be involved in. It starts with writing a weekly advice column.

In terms of size, the Giant Squid is greater than your average squid. A Velocitator is what he travels in - there he goes! (”Sayonara!”)

He lives atop the RenCen in Detroit, Michigan, and one time fought this guy named Lincoln. If you get bitten in the ocean, blame his minions.

The Giant Squid will rule the world world world! His eyes are optically perfect! Whales are his mortal enemy and he eats dogs and he eats dogs and he eats dogs dogs dogs dogs dogs dogs!

It’s Poormojo’s Giant Squid. It’s Poormojo. It’s Poormojo’s Giant Squid. It’s Poormojo. It’s Poormojo’s Giant Squid. It’s Giant Squid. It’s Giant Squid.

0251. CRAZY CANDY THEME

She’s bald becase of space zombies experimenting, and now she has a sidekick, the lazy drunken penguin. Her different wigs transform her from cute to angry, so watch out! It’s Crazy Candy.

0252. MY LACK OF UPDATES

[Adlib.]

0253. YOUR SPLEEN

Your spleen is purple. Your spleen is oval. Your spleen does stuff with blood. It weighs less than half a pound.

0254. THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT FROGS

When you’re thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about frogs, you’re not thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about cats. [Adlib.] ‘Cause you’re thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about frogs.

0255. DISCOVER ADAM JACKSON (FEATURING ADAM JACKSON CO-PRODUCED BY ADAM JACKSON)

Discover Adam Jackson.

0257. THIS GIRL

You have beautiful light blue eyes and long brown hair and a great athletic body. I don’t even care about your personality.

0259. GRIFFIE

You ain’t nothing but a brussels griffon, joining us for meals. You ain’t nothing but a brussels griffon, wagging a stubby tail. Well, I didn’t hear a doorbell, so why do you have to wail?

When they said you was high strung, I thought I was being played with. When they said you was high strung, that was an understatement. Well, I didn’t hear a doorbell, so what’s that noise you’re making?

You ain’t nothing but a brussels griffon, a big dog, in your mind. You ain’t nothing but a brussels griffon, barking all the time. Well, I didn’t hear a doorbell, so please just stop your crying.

0261. JENNY

[Adlib.] Hahahaha.

0268. I DO WHATEVER I WANT

I do whatever I want. I do whatever I feel like doing. And did I mention that I do whatever I want?

Badger! Mushroom! Snake! It’s a snake! I will name him Chippy.

0269. WHAT IS JOPPA, ANYWAY?

What is Joppa, anyway?
Isn’t that where the coat factory came from?
I’m watching that large orange ball roll away.
Didn’t they change it to freedom?
The French language is a bit overused.
But do you enjoy the yogalates?
Am I being interviewed, or what?
What is Joppa, anyway?

Four guys who wear ties, asking questions. Four guys who wear ties and search for answers.

0270. YOUR MOM (WORST GRAMMAR REMIX)

Mom your.

0271. THE LORD OF THE BLING

[Adlib.]

Here’s the most best verse, and I ain’t even joking. Your weed reference is built in - it’s Tolkein. And I’m a drop it off for the author, you probably never even heard a style so proper. I will go strong with ill flows. It’s on! Fight dragons, bragging ’bout how I kill foes, or at least kidnap. Got more Baggins than bilbo - no, switch that, Frodo. Huge hair under my loose fit hat. Oh no! I break off emcees like a Kit Kat. Solo, every time I’m on the mic and spit raps. Don’t know why you wanna step to this and get smacked. Yo yo, there’s nothing as important as bling, including recording this thing incorporating the Lord of the Rings. Though I still gotta work it, ’cause I sort of fear, if I rap poorly to my audience, I’ll Bohromir. If I rap poorly to my audience I’ll bore ‘em here.

0272. DE-PANTSED!

If Songs To Wear Pants To got de-pantsed, thus liberally smearing gobs of irony all over my music, gobs of irony would be liberally smeared all over my music.

0274. VOLLEYBALL 3000 CREDIT TITLE

Any opponent, any challenge that I face, I’ll face it with my team - together we will spike and ace! From any enemy and any danger we won’t cower. Mutants and humans join in a team effort with our powers! Come on Volleyball 3000!

0275. NAPOLEODE (FEATURING EKO)

[Adlib throughout.]

Pedro: No, I don’t understand.

Napoleon: That’s all right. Like Japanese scientists would do, we’ll explace, express your anger in song.

Pedro: And dancing?

Napoleon: Heck yes! Big up to D-Qwon. Kip’s not the only one who can drop a sick beat up in this muh.

Pedro: K-K-Kick it!

Napoleon: Yo, are you guys having a killer time? My name’s Napoleon, I bring the iller rhymes. After finishing the shading on your upper lip, you don’t have a mustache like my brother Kip.

Kip: Your mom goes to college.

Pedro: Yo check it, I like her bangs. Vote for Pedro, and you could join my biker gang. That’s how we roll - with the Sledgehammer. You know that every time I bring the sickest grammar.

Kip: I’m just kinda T.O.’d; I don’t have a full body shot. But I’m a dance for Lafawnduh with my lock ‘n’ pop, and Rex Kwon Doe it up with a karate chop. That’s what I’m talking about. Peace out.

Always and forever.

0277. IT’S TOO LOUD

4/4 time is boring, and I’m so sick of the guitar licks you all play. Why do they play the guitars with distortion? Why does the singer always have to scream? Also I hate it when all the instruments are playing and then suddenly they stop. If you like hard rock then I guess you suck. It’s too loud.

0279. I’VE NEVER MADE A SONG IN 5/4 TIME WITH NO PERCUSSION

I think it’s too late for me to say what I want to say. I dream of you everyday, but you’ve gone away, and I never got to say goodbye. Baby, goodbye. I’ve never moved on.

0281. FROM THE BACK OF A VAN

[Adlib.]

Celebrate now. Happy holidays from the back of a van. Happy holidays from the back of a van. Why am I in the back of a van? Happy holidays.

0282. HOW I DO SONGS, YO

[Adlib.]

Yo, I use yo instruments yo. I groove yo in my room yo. My tunes get recorded for sure. I don’t stop, so you might say I go. The kids go “woah” when I bring it loco in the 2006, making more dough. Even make the police just bounce like a yo-yo.

0283. JENNIFER B

Jennifer B: 2% radical, 98% platypus.

0286. DEATH METAL

Do do doodle ooh do do do death metal. What do you have, baby, if you don’t have death metal? Nothing. That’s right. Death metal is the bomb. I’m listening to death metal after this song.

0287. SPIDER REMEDY JINGLE

You are listening to Spider Remedy.

0288. LISA WANTS TO BE A BAD ROBOT

Lisa wants to be a bad robot with silicon circuitry, electromagnetic cogs and servos with titanium gears. Lisa wants to be a bad robot.

0292. DINOSAURS ARE SWEET

Dinosaurs are sweet, and if you don’t believe me, watch Jurassic Park on your favorite TV. While fish were swimming in ancient seaweed, a T-Rex eating was Operation: Easy. He might have picked you when he stalked his prey, in which case you could not just walk away.

I get down with the stegasaurus. Got fresh leaves to chew, get him begging for it, and through the metamorphosis of little eggs to full-grown pteridactyls, logically I guess I’ve got trees - that’s where these cats chill. I mean, birds. I mean, they’re reptiles. Whatever - at least, if they’re nothing else, dinosaurs are sweet.

0293. ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE PANCREAS

You are not a very large man, and for that reason you don’t need very large glands. All you need is a little pancreas, baby.

0294. EVERY ACTIVITY AND FACET OF MY EXISTENCE THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE MUSIC

1.) Being unconscious.

0295. TORONTO AT NOON JINGLE

Toronto At Noon. It’s everything going on in town. NewsTalk 1010 CFRB. With Peter Shurman.

0296. I AM A SAD SAD TOASTER MADE OF GLASS

I am a sad sad toaster made of glass. [Adlib.]

0297. HOW TO UPGRADE THE COMPONENTS OF YOUR MOGRIFICATING DESAMBONGULIZER, A STEP BY STEP GUIDE

1. Put the ketchup on the bun.
2. Put the mustard on the ketchup.
3. Put the pickle on the mustard.
4. And then put it in your mouth.

0299. #7

7 * 7 = 39 and 41 / 5 = 7

0300. CRUNK JUICE

I’m so sick, because of that Crunk Juice. From the hip-hop crews to the punk dudes, we all mix gin and Bull into one brew. Peer pressure, man - I drink it but I don’t want to.

I drink it rich (bling). I drink it with my gun (blam). I drink it on it’s own. I drink it with green eggs and ham. I drink it warm, ’cause I need to get a better fridge. I drink it, like, whenever. Just set a time. Endeavor to get a grip up on a beverage.

Ill, because of that Crunk Juice. But I get up on the mic, “Check, 1, 2.” So throw up your hands when I run through to the bathroom so I can throw up this Crunk Juice.

Diseased, because of caffeine and alcohol. I used to climb the charts; now just watch my album fall. Washed up, homie - Crunk Juice River. What I’d give to live it different, rid of a little bitty bit of idiocy on my liver.

Drink Crunk Juice if you want to get messed up. My blood pressure and my heart are both messed up. My lungs, kidneys and my brain all messed up. I mix vodka with Red Bull and ketchup. Crunk!

0301. HASSELHOFF

Hasselhoff sell you insurance.
Hasselhoff sell you tangerines!
Hasselhoff sell you pain.

[Adlib.]

0303. TV IS LAME AND FOR SUCKERS You can sing without a TV.

[Adlib.]

0304. EVERYTHING I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT MY PREVIOUS GIRLFRIEND Hey, this song is for my girlfriend, yeah!

Please don’t go for two whole weeks without brushing your teeth. It kind of ruins your breath.

Please don’t show up at my parents’ house wearing only underwear, asking if they have some crystal meth.

But other than that, my last girlfriend was perfect, so be just like her.

I love you!

0305. CARE OF 3 STUFFED ANIMALS

Lindsey and Jack have three good friends, all stuffed and cuddly. Their love is a thing that’s both cozy and plush. In purple and blue you see the alligator baby. When Toofer’s teeth hurt, Jack gives them a good brush. And Seamore, the seal, does stunts and fits right in Jack’s pocket. When he doesn’t breakdance he’s playing hide and seek. Christopher Penguin’s very bashful and he loves car trips. And Lindsey loves Jack as much as Jack loves Lindsey. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. 0307. I AM A CHAIR

Don’t touch my bum.

[Adlib.]

0309. TETRIS

little by little here, flip a weird piece ’round
drop it down by the square that i stick it near
and fight a fickle fear of heights, i’m in a pickle, dear
’cause i didn’t get an L-piece to get that triple cleared
man, this is some kind of devilry
got three long pieces followed by several t’s
i’m screwed, i’m in this game heavily
and i only just started playing level 3
i’ve got lines if we’re talking mic skills
but in videogame land i’ve got like nil
i just might kill somebody dead
dropping blocks in the wrong spot, like up on your head

on my game boy during breakfast
on my palm pilot and my super nes
this b-theme’s going on, it’s the whole set list
i’ma spend my life losing at tetris

0310. CAPTAIN SHMOIE

aye, that captain shmoie - or is it shimo?
i couldn’t tell you, i’m trashed
we always drink before we raid
and buy booze with our cash

captain shimo - or is it shmoie?
well i don’t know, i’m drunk
’cause all we’s got is rum (and rum!)
in our pirate treasure trunk

now shimo’s got her crew, and they’re a rowdy lot
there’s sister whitey, jill (the third third mate) and first mate fox
and shmoie, well she’s fearless, no ninja dares attack
she’s best friends with eliza but she’d rather be with jack

captain shmoie - or is it shimo?
i couldn’t tell you, i’m trashed
we always drink before we raid
and buy booze with our cash

captain shimo - or is it shmoie?
well i don’t know, i’m drunk
’cause all we’s got is rum (none left!)
in our pirate treasure trunk

captain who? shmuh something
i can’t sing while i pee
i’m rich and full of rum (and rum!)
a lirate’s pife for me! arrr!

0311. COADY NATHANIEL BURTON

Coady Nathaniel Burton, Coady Nathaniel Burton, Coady Nathaniel Burton, his name is Coady!

One little swimmer and he just don’t stop!
Two parents - Mom and Dad love you a lot!
Three years old and he’s got a cute girl!
Four times Coady’s been to Disney World!

[Adlib.]

0312. STER-LO

i wanna roll with the ster-lo
’cause nowhere can you find someone so white and nerdy
that boy’s so white and nerdy
ster-lo is so white and nerdy
i like it white and nerdy
ster-lo is so white and nerdy

it’s kind of silly, we always go to chili’s
and notice ninja turtles look exactly like chamilly
really, stering’s getting illy
’cause i just ordered pizza but even he will not eat the quesadilly
and oh look, it’s dr. mccar
oh look, it’s that one time i punched him in the arm
mc pants’ll take it places in the ghetto
when i’m dancing but ster-lo is prancing naked in the meadow
aw yeah, all up in the nudie dimension
ster-lo is hitting up the booty convention
by that i mean he’s at the mall, getting crunk
he’s at the gap, and girls are checking out his junk
he smells like a tree, but i still don’t want him to leave
please, i like him more than data on tv
star trek every night with this guy
“he’s got issues” - yeah, and i’d like to subscribe

fluent in klingon, javascript and flash
ye got me in me mizzenmast
i don’t battle, yo, i just quarrel
’til i up and crush sterling’s moral
i could say whatev, man, i could say word, yo
i’m not sure though, not as good as ster-lo
i wanna be like him, i better get cash
better yet, i better get a molestache
he got fame, got jewels, got money
got web design skills - oh look, it’s a honey pot
it’s not funny but he got second place
up in skills usa, ’cause he’s ill with a page
of that HTML, he should’ve prevailed
maybe shouldn’t spend his time swerving at quail
sterling is male, i don’t know if you seen this
but he’s got honour and penis

0313. THE CLEAR BLUE WATERS

[Adlib.]

0314. THE STRUGGLE TO BECOME A BASEBALL PLAYER

[Adlib.]

I’m a baseball player! I like baseball. I like it a lot.

0315. I AM SOMETHING

[Adlib.]

0317. DON’T FEEL BAD

Don’t feel bad, it’s better than being shot in the face.

0319. DRIVE AWAY THE STRESS

you’re driving me out of my mind
i can’t wait to leave the 316 behind
shades on, heading for a mountain town
on a crisp autumn day with the top down

so we can drive away the stress (drive away the stress)
drive away the stress (drive away the stress)
drive way from this mess, baby (drive away the stress)
drive away the stress (yeah yeah yeah!)

drive away the stress (drive away the stress)
drive away the stress (drive away the stress)
i don’t need a destination (drive away the stress)
to drive away the stress (yeah yeah let’s drive!)

0320. SHOOT THE ZOMBIES

KILL THE ZOMBIES BY SHOOTING THEM IN THE HEAD!
THEY CAN’T EAT YOU IF YOU MAKE THEM DEAD!
SHOOT THE ZOMBIES!
SHOOT THE ZOMBIES!
SHOOT THE ZOMBIES, HEY!

THEY’LL LIMP AROUND IN BLOOD AND COVER THINGS IN STAINS
THEY’LL MOAN AND GROAN AND TRY TO EAT YOUR FLESH AND BRAINS
BUT IF YOU LEAD THEM DOWN AN ALLEY YOU CAN SNIPE THEM PRETTY BADLY
‘CAUSE THE BEST WAY TO KILL ZOMBIES IS BY SHOOTING THEM IN THE HEAD

0321. THE BALLAD OF THE ZACHS

This is the ballad of the Zachs.

The Zachs were unique in that they were the worst - ever - yet they always were and always will be popular.

The Zachs had no talent, no good looks or skill, but they’d take the stage and I swear they would kill. David’s beyond comparison to any mortal man. Zach played the drums, and Max had flutes and guitars in his hands.

Their best-selling album was their only one - Heart-Shaped Grenade Thingy couldn’t be outdone.

We remind you that this is the ballad of the Zachs.

They could have been Squidhead’s Hat or Maxwell Plus Two, but The Zachs is the best band name and The Zachs are your proof.

They’ve never done anything for anyone and they’re proud of it.

0323. EMMY EMMY GO GO GO

EMMY EMMY
I GOT YOUR TEA POT HERE
I GOT YOUR PENCILS AND YOUR PENS AND YOUR PAPER
LET’S MAKE CARTOONS
WOAH LET’S MAKE CARTOONS

EMMY EMMY
I GOT SOME PRESENTS FOR YOU IN THIS BAG
SUNSHINE AND FLOWERS AND CATS
THEY SAY MEOW MEOW MEOW (MEOW MEOW MEOW)
AND THEY GROW GROW GROW (GO GO GO)
AND THEY SHINE SHINE SHINE WITH YOU

EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY GO GO GO

EMMY EMMY
LET’S GET THE CHOCOLATE OUT
WHILE WE ARE ROCKING OUT WITH THE UNICORNS

EMMY EMMY
LET’S GET THE MAGIC OUT WITH POTTER PUPPET PALS
AND THE BEST CLOTHES EVER

EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY EMMY GO GO GO DANNY DEVITO

0324. I AM THE HOTDOG EATING CONTEST CHAMPION

[Adlib throughout.]

Robot invasion!

0326. DO I GET THE EXTRA POINTS

[Adlib.] 0328. I AM REALLY A CONTINENT

Hmm… Australia!

[Adlib.]

0329. THE HUGE MISSHAPEN SAUSAGE ADVENTURES THEME

The Huge Misshapen Sausage Adventures! Sausage Adventures! Sausage Adventures!

0330. I AM A SAD SAD TOASTER MADE OF GLASS

I am a sad sad toaster made of glass. [Adlib.]

0332. FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE PICKLES

Pickles.

0335. FUN FACT! SOUP AND PEOPLE ARE BOTH MADE OF WATER

onion onion tomato and onion onion onion tomato soup i got that onion onion tomato and onion onion onion tomato soup let’s go yeah what rock out 0336. A PENGUIN NAMED HENREY FREESTYLE WITH MY SICKEST BEATS

[Adlib.]

0339. I AM GOLDILOCKS

I had a nice dress and golden blonde hair. I walked through the forest and found a house there. I ate the porridge. I sat on the chairs. I lay in the beds. I pissed off the bears.

I’m the misdemeanor queen, I’ll wreck your home. I’ve been breaking and entering since age 9. Leave your breakfast out to cool, I’ll eat it down. Anything I want, I’ll make it mine.

0340. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN BUNNIES

I love you more than bunnies! (Bunnies don’t love you.) 0342. A JINGLE TO A PRODUCT THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN INVENTED

[Adlib.]

SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO DOT COM!!!!!

0346. SKYPE TEST

[Adlib.]

0350. THE INTERNET

I’m so sick, because of that Crunk Juice. From the hip-hop crews to the punk dudes, we all mix gin and Bull into one brew. Peer pressure, man - I drink it but I don’t want to.

I drink it rich (bling). I drink it with my gun (blam). I drink it on it’s own. I drink it with green eggs and ham. I drink it warm, ’cause I need to get a better fridge. I drink it, like, whenever. Just set a time. Endeavor to get a grip up on a beverage.

Ill, because of that Crunk Juice. But I get up on the mic, “Check, 1, 2.” So throw up your hands when I run through to the bathroom so I can throw up this Crunk Juice.

Diseased, because of caffeine and alcohol. I used to climb the charts; now just watch my album fall. Washed up, homie - Crunk Juice River. What I’d give to live it different, rid of a little bitty bit of idiocy on my liver.

Drink Crunk Juice if you want to get messed up. My blood pressure and my heart are both messed up. My lungs, kidneys and my brain all messed up. I mix vodka with Red Bull and ketchup. Crunk!

No, you’re wrong, you like to sing songs about tobogganing.

0355. THE RENEGADE MUFFIN

It’s the renegade muffin! Man, what a renegade. The other muffins in the pan are his enemies. He insists on being baked with some whole wheat flour - he’s a renegade muffin.

0359. OUR LOVE IS LIKE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

Our love is like Dungeons & Dragons, your touch is like Harry Potter’s wand, and when we kiss it’s like Lord of the Rings, when Gandalf gives Frodo the ring.

0360. HOW TO ACTUALLY WEAR PANTS

Put your left leg in the left pant leg. Put your right leg in the right pant leg. Pull the zipper up, and push the button through the hole (give it a rub for good luck). Comb the tassles to eliminate knots. Roll up the cuffs - three rolls or knee high, whichever comes first. Inflate the protective personal space maintainence buffer, and tune the jingle bells to F# mixolydian. Place a package of gum in one of the back pockets, but not both. Adjust the brightness and contrast to settings which are appropriate for your destination. Now you are wearing your pants.

0362. IT’S TOO LOUD (EXTENDED)

I cannot take you seriously with a name like that. You overuse minor thirds. Yeah. You say “yeah” after most words. Yeah. We don’t know how to improvise guitar solos, so we wrote this one, and we practice it everyday. 4/4 time is boring, and I’m so sick of the guitar licks you all play. Why do they play the guitars with distortion? Why does the singer always have to scream? Also I hate it when all the instruments are playing and then suddenly they stop. If you like hard rock then I guess you suck. It’s too loud.

0363. MIMOSA CHRISTMAS

there's a big mexican christmas tree
lots of food for you and me
lots of people to be friends with
drink mimosas 'til you're senseless

have a mimosa christmas! la la la la la
there's always room for you to stay
have a mimosa christmas! la la la la la
we'll be celebrating it today

party down with patricia molina
grandma abi, simon and maia
go for a swim if you want to be cool
but we'll shoot fireworks into the pool

0365. THE STORY OF SNESLEY WIPES

he travels the globe collecting colors
stealing them from some things and giving them to others
blue flamingos and burgundy clouds
turquoise tangerines, lavender cows!
his name is snesly wipes, he rides the bus
he surfs cigarette smoke better than any of us
he makes golden hippos and silver toothpicks
and when he blows his nose, it makes wonderful music

ooh ooh, snesly wipes
snesly wipes, ooh ooh

he stores unused colors in his cufflinks
he's stolen some lovely ones from american soft drinks
his eyes are grey - that was his own choice
and he's always had a noticebly low-pitched voice

banana stickers on my suitcase, yeah
banana stickers on my suitcase, yeah

ooh ooh, snesly wipes
snesly wipes, ooh ooh

he once dated audrey hepburn
but she was eaten by a dragon fly
he couldn't save her
but got his revenge by giving the bug poop-colored eyes

he looks for the best combination
of coloring things other tones
now he hasn't found it yet
but all the sound he gets when he blows his nose keeps him going now

ooh ooh, snesly wipes
snesly wipes, ooh ooh

0366. I AM THE REASON WHY GIRLS ARE HOT

These girls are hot. They just came out of the boiling water. These girls are hot. Yo. I got a flamethrower. And a microwave. Bring any girl to me and I'll make her real hot. Don't try this at home, kids. Bring her to my house.

0367. NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

Never been in love. Woah.

How'm I gonna to get up the nerve to ask this girl out? I don't have the words. All my systems freeze up, you heard? Plus, you know, I might get hurt - and I know all about those gigahertz, megahertz. Maybe I've been programmed to feel like I'm begging her. No one could be in her place. How'm I gonna win this race? Come on baby doll, baby girl, we should interface. Look at me, I'm smooth. I don't need botox. I could project a beach and we could go walk. But any time I'm near, she won't talk - is it 'cause the only dance move that I know is the robot? Or maybe 'cause I smoke lots. But that's only 'cause she makes my hard drive get so hot. So what's the verdict? Is it really worth it? I'm a blow a circuit. What now? Don't wanna get shut down.

0368. I AM AN EDUCATED FISH

[Adlib.]

0369. G

[Adlib.]

Love those G's. I got 20 G's, mang. My whole life's nothing but a G thang.

Put me on your stereo and crank this. If I don't get paid then I'm thankless. And the whole alphabet makes me anxious except for G, because it stands for "gangsters". I'm in heaven when my bretheren ain't half-stepping. It's the seventh letter that you better know I'm repping. Can't win with me flipping these rhymes; with a flippancy, kicking freestyles - why you tripping, G?

0372. AIR SITAR BARON

little baron wants to climb the tallest tree in india
he wants to make it to the top and play the world his air sitar
the top is so high, you can't see it
the branches are full of thorns
but baron knows, if you believe it
this is the fate for which he was born

a little girl watces from the ground, and she picks up a marigold
brave baron is almost at the top and he smiles as he climbs
he plays his air sitar on every branch
no note, no rhythm is errant
the little girl blows on her marigold
and as each petal falls, so does baron

baron is falling, playing his air sitar

0381. WE ARE THE ROBOT PIRATES

Yo ho ho and a bottle of RAM.

Yar matey! Straight outta Davey Jones' locker, this one goes out to all my fellow robot pirates. We be bringing it with da skulls and crossbones. Throw your antennas in the air and wave them like you just don't compute. We are the Robot Pirates.

We have robot functions, but we have pirate duties. For instance, we're able to reboot, and we search for booty. We wear eye patches and are feared by the masses. "I have a parrot sitting on my titanium chassis." That's why you'll hear him say, "Polly want a cracker?" She's powered by a miniature nuclear reactor. She helps to defend our ship from many attackers. "Who's your biggest enemy?" Computer hackers.

We are the Robot Pirates. We are made of metal from our heads to our privates. We are the Robot Pirates. Robots are good and pirates are good. We do all the things that a robot should. "I talked to him in binary, and he understood!" We also do the things that a pirate should. "My leg malfunctioned, so I got one made of wood."

Yes, break it down now. I'm really feeling that beat.

Shake it, shake, shake it. Shake it, shake, shake it. Shake it, shake, shake it. Shake it like a sword with a dead guy on it.

We are the Robot Pirates. We are made of metal from our heads to our privates. We are the Robot Pirates. Instead of a chest, treasure goes in memory banks. If you try to shut me down I will make you walk the plank. I can cut people open and I don't have to try. And I got a sweet telescope built into my eye. Oh, I have to indulge when the ladies beckon. Watch me mop the whole poop deck in eleven seconds. I can drop the anchor 'cause I know how to work it. We can't touch the water 'cause it makes us short circuit.

We are the Robot Pirates.

0382. LALA & GLEEN

we're la la la la la la la la lala and gleen
we're la la la la la la la la lala and gleen

we're in the mountains (nova scotia!)
surrounded by trees
with grapes growing in the vineyards (hey hey hey!)
and laughter carried in the breeze
i like it one-of-a-kind (one-of-a-kind!)
i like it locally grown
i like it funky and fresh (it's so fresh!)
straight from the studio

we're la la la la la la la la lala and gleen

0383. THE OWL AND HIS CRX

Enrique's got a Honda CRX
He drives it into trees
He loves that sound it makes when it crashes
Disturbing all the bees

Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Honk Honk! A Honda CRX
Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Let's go for a ride…

Enrique's car is baby blue
He takes it all over the place
He loves how the rims roll off the wheels
As the airbag grabs his face

Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Honk Honk! A Honda CRX
Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Let's go for a ride…

Enrique's rocking that automobile
He plows into oaks and elms
The squirrels and acorns all drop down
With Enrique at the helm

Enrique's rocking that automobile
He screeches into beeches and pines
The car crunches up with a puff of smoke
As his brown feathers up and fly

Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Honk Honk! A Honda CRX
Hoot hoot! Enrique the Owl
Let's go for a ride…

He only dreams in Asian languages
About his best friend
A baby blue Honda CRX
That he can wake up in and drive around again

Enrique's taking the parks by storm
He'll never throw in the towel
He crashes every tree that he comes across
But he's never found another owl

0385. THE HAPPY DANCE

greetings!

he grew up enjoying math and science class
chopping onions for his mom in a scuba mask
if he has just a minute of your attention
he will introduce you to the third dimension

everybody, it's time for the happy dance
let's gather 'round captain underpants
flap your arms and kick your feet
spin around and find the best airplane seat

that's how the happy dance is done

well he printed out crap so he could talk to the dame
and asked her if she had all the vowels in her name
now he's spent so much time by her side
he couldn't help but ask her "will you be my bride?"

everybody, it's time for the happy dance
let's gather 'round captain underpants
flap your arms and kick your feet
spin around in a circle and huck your meat

he does all the craziest things he can
if you ask me, he should have been dangerman!
it's saftey third when he plays his sports
and fashion fourth for amy's nice blue shorts

everybody, it's time for the happy dance
let's gather 'round captain underpants
flap your arms and kick your feet
spin around in a circle and make a spreadsheet

because alex roetter is turning 30

thank you please

0387. WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WERE SUDDENLY TELEPORTED TO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW

HA HA HA HA HA! SATURDAY MORNING! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

AAAAAAH!!

AAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAH!!

OH MY GASH, IT ACTUALLY WORKED.

WHO ARE YOU?? WHERE AM I??

YOU MUST BE THE SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO GUY. I CAN TELL ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SO DREAMY.

AAAAAAAH!! HOW DID I GET HERE?? WHY IS IT THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ALL OF A SUDDEN??

I DON’T KNOW! I WAS JUST ON YOUR WEBSITE AND REQUESTED A SONG ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU GOT TELEPORTED TO MY PLACE.

OF COURSE. SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, YOU TRICKY DEVIL...

WELL, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I’LL HELP YOU GET BACK HOME IN THE MORNING.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

NO PROBLEM.

I LIKE YOUR DOILIES.

OH REALLY I SEWED THEM MYSELF!

OH, RIGHT ON. HEY SO WHERE AM I ANYWAY?

OH, RIGHT. WE’RE IN SOUTH DAKOTA.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

0388. HIDDEN CAMERA SHOW

well you look as good as me
but you’re not quite as tall
and if you never get a job
you’ll haunt the museum halls

let’s have some fun
oh, i don’t know if there’s someone more perfect for me
it’s like i’m on a hidden camera show
and you could all be fooling me

all the clouds will rust and crumble when we get to heaven
and i’ll take you to the expo in 1967

let’s have some fun
oh, i don’t know if there’s someone more perfect for me
oh, we’ll walk on through slush and snow
chasing skating dates that will never be

tell me you love me in your sleep

if i’d lost you in the reeds
i’d still have fallen hard

when summer’s here you’ll dress up as granola buttercup mcflowerchild

tell me you love me in your sleep

0389. DON'T YOU HATE WHEN

Um, 14?

0390. JOLENE

well i met her on whyte avenue
the prettiest thing i'd ever seen
her smile was like heaven
her name was jolene

now we're traveling and camping and getting some sun
we're out on the water just having some fun
girl, i know you're the one

i still can't get enough of you
i still can't get enough of you
and you know that i'll always be true
i still can't get enough of you

i'd do anything for her
and she'd do anything for me
i love her, i'll sing it out
to jojo and britni and kortni

i still can't get enough of you
i still can't get enough of you
and you know that i'll always be true
i still can't get enough of you

0391. OLD-FASHIONED LINE DANCE (OR SQUARE?)

[Adlib.]

0392. LEMONADE VENDOR ASIAN SMALL-CLAWED OTTER

he speaks with a thick accent
i think it might be irish
sometimes he sells lemonade
that line of work is high risk

because he's splashing
mixing his lemonade with dirty water
he's a lemonade vendor asian small-clawed otter

lemonade vendor asian small-clawed otter
lemonade vendor asian small-clawed otter

he speaks with a thick accent
i think it might be scottish
he's a smarmy smarmy dentist
and not too modest

he slides around on his belly
and uses kelp as fodder
he's a molar-pulling asian small-clawed otter
molar-pulling asian small-clawed otter
smarmy dentist asian small-clawed otter
scottish irish cute kelp eater, floating in the water
lemonade tooth fairy asian small-clawed otter

[Adlib.]

0393. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A SKATER GIRL

thought she was a skater girl with punk rock drama
never thought that she'd become my wife my honey my sugar mama
thought it was a skater girl on a bench, who i kissed
turns out in reality she's a program management analyst

looks didn't give it away
on the contrary, they lied
it's like she's avril lavigne
with hillary clinton inside
'cause when i met her i thought
she was a skater girl and
now i know that she's really
a yuppie businesswoman

2 weeks was all it took and i was all in
6 weeks was all that passed before we had a fake wedding in fort collins
and i can be lazy as a vegetable
'cause she's a business-minded ladder climbing motivated upwardly mobile professional
with two cats - bob! (meow) nada! (meow)

looks didn't give it away
on the contrary, they lied
it's like she's avril lavigne
with hillary clinton inside
'cause when i met her i thought
she was a skater girl and
now i know that she's really
a yuppie businesswoman

she's dressed all business like 'cause that's what yuppies do
she's in those fancy bars, drinking fancy booze
she wants to be at the top, she wants to save the world
but for now she's my high power high class sugar mama stinky lump skater girl

looks didn't give it away
on the contrary, they lied
it's like she's avril lavigne
with hillary rodham clinton inside
'cause when i met her i thought
she was a skater girl and
now i know that she's really
a yuppie businesswoman

0394. SISSI SWINGS

her name's sissi
lucas and niki know she's a star

let's live for today, you never know what tomorrow brings
let's go out and play, walk, run, dance, jump, sing!

come on sissi, beauty and heinz
yeah yeah, let's have a good time

hey! swing it!

0395. WHEN A COW SNAPPING OVER FRIEND CHIKEN XD

When a cow snapping over friend chiken XD.

[Adlib.]

0396. I'VE NEVER KISSED A BOY

Me neither. Wanna start a club?

0397. REMIX JUICE

I’m so sick, because of that Crunk Juice. From the hip-hop crews to the punk dudes, we all mix gin and Bull into one brew. Peer pressure, man - I drink it but I don’t want to.

I drink it rich (bling). I drink it with my gun (blam). I drink it on it’s own. I drink it with green eggs and ham. I drink it warm, ’cause I need to get a better fridge. I drink it, like, whenever. Just set a time. Endeavor to get a grip up on a beverage.

Ill, because of that Crunk Juice. But I get up on the mic, “Check, 1, 2.” So throw up your hands when I run through to the bathroom so I can throw up this Crunk Juice.

Diseased, because of caffeine and alcohol. I used to climb the charts; now just watch my album fall. Washed up, homie - Crunk Juice River. What I’d give to live it different, rid of a little bitty bit of idiocy on my liver.

Drink Crunk Juice if you want to get messed up. My blood pressure and my heart are both messed up. My lungs, kidneys and my brain all messed up. I mix vodka with Red Bull and ketchup. Crunk!

0398. KITTENS WEARING PANTS

Kittens wearing pants - so awesome!

[Adlib.]

Kittens wearing pants - so awesome!

0399. WHY FINLAND IS SUPER-COOL, WITH A LITTLE GUITAR SOLO

You know, in the winter season, Finlandic temperatures have been known to drop below negative twenty degrees celsius.

0400. THE HISTORY OF STWPT.COM

from it's humble beginnings in germany, the website stwpt.com became nothing short of an iconoclastic sex symbol, and following that, became nothing short of a world superpower, not unlike modern day canada. join us, and learn of its incredible history, from when the website was started to... into... the future...

thank you for joining us, for THE HISTORY OF THE STWPT.COM, one of the greatest websites, to have ever been typed into the URL bar of an internet browser.

in 1943, german scientist ludwig van beethoven made a startling discovery by mixing some chemicals and wearing a labcoat and some such nonsense. he posted his findings on the internet, starting a brand new website, STWPT.COM. it was only a matter of minutes before this website became the top hit at google. yes, the top hit. no matter what you searched for, STWPT.COM at number one! unbelievable. literally, unbelievable. let's move on.

STWPT became a haven for kittens with disabilities. they sat around, smoking their pipes, squinting their eyes, clicking the many buttons on STWPT.COM.

by the year 7 billion, time travelers had realized the peril of allowing STWPT.COM to to continue to exist, so they went back to 1943, kidnapped beethoven, went back even farther to 11 BC, and forced him to compose music. and that is the beethoven we know and love today.

and there you have it, the history of STWPT.COM, from when the website was started to into the future. thank you for joining us for this, the most important history lesson, in history. i'm your host, beethoven. my accent is ridiculous.

0404. SUPERMAN VS. SPIDERMAN

superman has super strength
spider-man has spider strength
super strength is better than spider strength
way better!

superman has super speed
spider-man has spider speed
super speed is better than spider speed
say what?
spider speed is not super

superman is better than spider-man
superman is better than spider-man
superman is way better than spider-man
hey!

they could battle in new york city
superman would win
they could battle with super's eyes closed
superman would win
and spidey could try fighting clark kent
clark kent would win
even the daily planet's better than the daily bugle
rip-off!

superman is better than spider-man
superman is better than spider-man
superman is way better than spider-man
hey!

now check this out
superman can fly around
spider-man can swing around
flying around is better than swinging around

superman is awesome cool
spider-man is kind of a tool
awesome cool is better than kind of a tool

superman is better than spider-man
superman is better than spider-man
superman is way better than spider-man
hey!

[Adlib.]

0405. I AM TRENT REZNOR

let me show you the way i conquered the industrial scene
sometimes my songs start quiet, with little more than drum machines
then things start building up, i sing some higher notes
they sound like half the things that i already wrote
i talk about how i'm a sad and twisted lonely man
i really should leave nine inch nails to join an emo band

i love you, marilyn

i am, i am trent reznor!
i wear black polyester!
i let my feelings fester!
trent reznor! trent reznor!

0406. DRUGS ARE BAD

drugs are bad, really bad
i'm being tormented
fighting is bad
do do do and we all do do do hey do do do batman

0407. MONKEYS IN ROBOTS IN LOVE

he's a boy and she's a girl
and they are filled with joy
'cause they're in love with each other
as deeply as any ocean is deep

but is it true that he's a boy?
'cause underneath the moon
she'll hear him cry into the darkness
"eep, eep i'm a monkey" in his sleep

she wonders what all this could mean
he might just be having some funny dream
it seems too real to be that

she's singing
no matter who we are we're in love

here's where it gets complicated
because she admits
she's a tiny monkey too and jumps out
from where in her robot body she hid

he looks confused
even though she's given to him all the clues
he doesn't know if he can take that leap of faith
the way she just did

so she's singing to him
no matter who we are we're in love

slowly now, he starts to see
he reaches in his pants and pulls out his true monkey self
they run outside and swing through the trees
and steal bananas from the grocery shelf

no matter who we are we're in love

0408. DOODLECHAT POLKA

at the city three miles from anywhere
we sat around and ate some shoes
pulling wheelbarrows out of each others' faces
things were going pretty smooth

but then mr. page was kidnapped
psycaster kidnapped
caris kidnapped
and so was tentacleporn
they woke up in the grand canynon
and saw that their kidnapper had a familiar form

he looked exactly like johnny woah
he was a ninja and a friend
he explained that the canyon was the lab
of an evil man who wanted the world to end

he needed mr. page's help
and psycaster's help
and caris's help
and tentacleporn's
in order to defeat this evil man
so they went into the canyon to explore

they found many people
including another johnny lookalike wearing shades
he asked about a city that could be destroyed
"the city three miles from anywhere" said mr. page

but wait! that was the evil man
he was a ninja-fied johnny clone
they had to get back to the city
to prevent it from being overthrown

they thought about taking a motorcycle or a batmobile
but in the end they settled on a viking and a cart
finally, like 42 random events later, their epic journey could start

0409. SEE-THROUGH GRUMPY UNICORNS

[Adlib.]

0410. HOW I MAKE A RAP SONG, THE PROCESS I GO THROUGH ETC

oh yes, who knows best
i possess the sound flow fest
i don't mess around
so blessed with lyrical finesse
no stress to be found
let me tell you 'bout my process

i don't dress to impress
don't smoke cess
take rest to play chess and progress
i go get some samples, an ample handful
here, let me give you an example
make it hot like a candle
make 'em get on their feet like sandals
make 'em bounce like a trampoline
i cause scandals when i rock a mic like a vandal
that's another thing, i make a reference
every now and then to throw back to old school preference
no lack of low tracks
call me the bass clef prince
i've been deaf since birth
not just the one i represented
man, i've been deaf since birth was invented
listeners are porous, they absorb this
especially if you kick it in a chorus

make it hot like a candle
make 'em get on their feet like sandals
make 'em bounce like a trampoline
i cause scandals when i rock a mic like a vandal

rock now
now rock
rock now
now rock
now now
rock rock
now

guess who's here?
let me talk about the drum track
so fun that it makes sure the fans all come back
stand back 'cause it's loud
i planned that to match my grand raps
now, let's add a handclap
yeah, that's tight
a little 808 makes a track sound right
snares and claps on the second and forth beats
with a compressor on it to give it some more meat
and what about the words
it's not pure talent to make what you've heard
let me assure you, time and hard work
make a nerd like me lyrically mature
spit so fast, man i bust a blur
writer's block, you gotta rush the cure
string words together 'til it's just absurd
until sounds like what just occurred

make it hot like a candle
make 'em get on their feet like sandals
make 'em bounce like a trampoline
i cause scandals when i rock a mic like a vandal

rock now
now rock
rock now
now rock
now now
rock rock
now

0413. LONELY

live this lonely life
missing you, my wife
how did i get here

it’s blistering cold
with no one here to hold
we loved so much
i miss your quiet touch

even with locks of your red mop
some photos, some cursive-filled sheets
your clothes still hung up in the closet
but nobody here next to me

i’m missing the first letter you ever wrote me
it’s not just some blown-in-the-breeze kind of note
the gentle beginning of everything, oh
see, i’m missing the first letter

live this lonely life
missing you, my wife
how did i get here
how did i get here

0415. NEVER (EXTENDED)

i think it’s too late for me to say
what i want to say
i dream of you everyday
but you’ve gone away

and i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
and i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
i’ve never moved on

i used to be yours and you were mine
we had so little time
but still i can’t get you off my mind
you were so divine

and i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
and i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
you'll never come home

you were my dearest friend
will i see you again?
i do all i can just to pretend
it never had to end

i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
i never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye
i’ve never moved on

please come home


Earbean says:
"My favorite shape is a rectangle."